Patron saint of converts
As as convert, I would naturally have an affinity for this saint, but knowing that she is ALSO my 34th great grandmother makes me very happy! I hope that I have inherited from her DNA some of the strength and one-pointedness that she exhibited in her life, as well as the willingness to turn a corner in life and to CHANGE - to become BETTER - and to aspire to something higher and finer. I ALSO hope that, as my loving great grandmother, she is interceding for me at the throne of God, pleading with Him to help me along on my spiritual path, and that when I speak to her in prayer, she listens to me and is present with me in the many trials I endure.
She is, in fact, one of several saints from whom I descend, including Saint Margaret of Scotland, an English Plantagenet princess who had intended to become a nun, but who was pursued by the king of Scotland when her ship went aground on his land, something that changed her destiny forever. There are several saints I've studied who had initially planned to become a monastic, but their life path made it impossible, yet that strong impulse toward the Lord remained a feature in their lives, even when their plans were thwarted.
Catholicism was in my genes, if not my household
I think back to when I was 11, and I was first enthralled with stories of the lives of the contemplative Carmelite nuns with whom I was corresponding. I had wanted to be one of them - but the only problem is that my parents hated religion, and hated the Catholic church, in particular, and they forbade me from communicating with those lovely nuns or becoming one of them. They were not even Christian. It was not possible.
Yet I am sure the Lord knew all this before it happened because I was born with a number of creative gifts that appeared when I was very young, because by the time I discovered the Carmelites, I was already painting oil paints, making beaded jewelry, and writing haiku poems. All of these things, I find myself doing in my current life circumstances. We all have some kind of work we are called to do, and I was given the gift of ART AND WRITING as mine.
Every monastic institution has a certain amount of work that the residents do to support themselves, as well as a certain amount of recreation. Those of us disabled and/or senior ladies who seek to emulate the monastic routines can easily follow along those lines. It does not LOOK the same as the lovely nuns with their obvious costumes, living in the institutions that communicate the life of the spirit in their very walls - but looks are not everything - and I want to encourage all of my far-flung sisters in spirit not to become dismayed by appearances and the limitations of trying to live a monastic life surrounded by secular nonsense, because what matters is what goes on within your souls. You know that, of course, but I want to remind you and support you. You can live a life in union with the Divine, but by necessity, each of you will express it in your own unique way.
The religion of unlimited "do-overs"
Another thing I love to keep in mind is that the religion of Jesus the Christ is the religion of perpetual "second chances." The process of stumbling, repenting, confessing, getting absolution, and then rising again, is unlimited in this faith. It is a religion of constant encouragement for Our Father who Art in Heaven! We are never doomed forever. Babies stumble and fall while Father encourages us to walk to Him and fall, instead, into his arms.
Saint Olga, before becoming Christian, was a wicked woman. In retaliation for the murder of her husband, King Igor, by the Drevlians, she embarked upon her campaign of revenge with cold fury and incredibly treacherous and cruel chicanery, killing most of those people and reducing the demoralized remnant to an enslaved population.
Rather than reinvent the wheel, I will give you this link to some of my sources for information about my great grandmother, and you can read about her more in depth.
Articles about Saint Olga
So complete was her conversion and subsequent efforts to Christianize Kievan Rus, that the Eastern Churches have named her "Equal to the Apostles,: which is a rare appellation. If SHE could turn herself around so thoroughly, there is certainly hope for each one of us, no matter how far behind we lag in our spiritual advancement.
One thing in particular that I find inspiring about her is that she was the first female leader of what is now partially considered Russia. Some of her lands were Ukraine. To dedicate oneself to God while in control of vast wealth and power is a stunning achievement of personal will and determination. It tells me that her conversion was very real and that her devotion to the faith changed her from the inside out.
When you have as much power as she did, the temptation to succumb to selfish and dictatorial behavior is intense. That woman must have had some grit, don't you think? Of course, she was of Viking heritage.
I ask for the intercession of this strong and powerful queen and saint who was brave enough to seek forgiveness for incredible crimes against the people. I pray that she advocates for me at the foot of the throne of our Lord.
Also, I pray that some of the strength of her particular DNA has been communicated to me so that I can pull myself out of this tailspin I am in because the last 12 years have stripped me of every ounce of reserves that I possess.
Personal emergencies
This has been an incredibly difficult few weeks for me. The physical struggles and constant pain have worn me down. The financial difficulties add more stress, but I hasten to point out that every disabled senior lady is probably dealing with much of the same problems.
A couple days ago, while driving in my 28 year-old car to an errand, I heard and felt a loud THWACK against the driver's door. I thought someone had thrown something at the car or that an errant golf ball had found its way to me, but after I visited the drive-through ATM and then tried to roll up the window, it would not budge. The loud noise I had heard was the spontaneous breakage of the mechanism inside the car door.
I absolutely must get the car fixed
I do have groceries delivered, when possible, but this is extremely expensive. Between the membership monthly fee, the service fee, and the tip for the shopper/delivery person, I am now running out of food money before the end of the month. Aggravating this situation is the fact that we are ALL suffering through an enormous uptick in the cost of groceries, due to all sorts of factors, mostly having to do with Covid pandemic.
I am not able to use public transport
Most important to understand is that I am not able to use public transport. This is something that the uninitiated ALWAYS offer as the "obvious" solution - but I absolutely cannot do that. It is physically impossible for me - for many reasons.
We do have senior buses that are sometimes available, but I am unable to use these also - not only because of the bumpy ride that throws out my back, but also because I am unable to stand for any length of time WAITING for the bus when it comes to pick me up. They tell you that you must be prepared to stand from 15 minutes BEFORE the pickup time until 15 minutes AFTER the pickup time. That is 1/2 hour of standing. I am lucky to stand for 5....ESPECIALLY if I am on an errand and have to stand inside an office or walk the aisles during a short shopping trip. I always need to have a car "at the ready" for when my body gives out.
Catholic Charities Transportation Department is very limited
I do have people to drive me to some of my doctor appointments but there are a lot of different sorts of errands, such as taking the service dog to the vet or the groomer, that Catholic Charities will not do.
In addition, their Transportation Department rigidly require a full weeks' notice of any errand and there are only a few types of trips they will do. Furthermore - they will not STAY with you while you do your errand. You have to call them to come and pick you up, and you run the risk of waiting for a really long time.
Cheaper to repair than to buy new
As a friend pointed out to me, it is always cheaper to repair the old car, until parts can no longer be found for it, and since Toyotas are fairly plentiful in the U.S., we SHOULD be able to get it repaired - but this repair is only the latest, albeit the most urgent repair that must be done. There is an entire list.
A vehicle that could carry my mobility scooter would be the best option
A Toyota Rav 4, with an electronic scooter carrying on the back, would work for me, but what would probably be the best is a van in which I can drive up the electric mobility scooter into the belly, so that I can be independent and go anywhere without having to cajole someone into driving me and carrying a walker with us.
Since it now appears that my right eye is holding strong at 20/25 vision, and since my retina specialist says there is no problem with driving, especially during the day, I do want to try to get that van, when possible, or at least the Toyota Rav 4, but I don't even have the money for the repairs to the OLD car, what to speak of something new! But someday in future, if I manage to sell my novel and it does well, then these are the plans I have. In the meantime:
Social Security Retirement Income barely covers survival mode
I loathe having to beg for help, but the novel proceeds very slowly, and the proposed new jewelry making "side hustle" is faltering a bit, since even the most ordinary beads and equipment are becoming hugely more expensive, more and more, every day. Decades ago, when I first learned how to make jewelry, the ingredients were affordable and a great way to start a small business. No more! In order to get any discount, one has to buy in huge quantity. The startup costs are enormous.
In addition, because I am disabled, I will have to do the majority of my sales and delivery of merchandise THROUGH THE MAIL, which has also gotten extremely expensive. Obviously, I would need a car to get the merchandise to the post office on those days when I am unable to put the parcel through the very small slot in the mailbox here at the apartment complex or arrange for a pickup by the mailman. Mailing it from my location also eliminates the possibility of providing a tracking number, which seems rather essential these days, with all the shipping snafus. There is a way to do that from home, of course, but that requires that you have a working printer to print postage, but the ink cartridges are so expensive I have not had one since the original half cartridge that came with my small printer wore out.
These are the sort of petty details that can drive one mad.
There is a small store in town that may take some of my things, but anytime you introduce a middle-man, you run the risk of making no profit at all because their conditions make it so that most or nearly all profit goes to them as the seller. If they buy the items outright, they only give you 50% of the final sale price, but the maker absorbs ALL the costs of the merchandise.
As an "artist," making one-of-a-kind jewelry, rosaries and wall art, I have a chance of turning a profit at someone else's store that a friend of mine has introduced me to. They sell some items in their small store/gallery - and on the weekends they go to a large craft/art fair with some of their wares. Small jewelry items that are affordable for the general population have to be dealt with in the manner described above. Up til now, I've taken my startup costs from a refund that I received (long story) that was money I had not counted on having. A few hundred dollars.
I have sold my paintings in the past and will also be producing some of those, God willing. FRAMING the paintings is a big expense that I will try to deal with by making my own. I am still designing that part in my head. Even if I make my own, there will be an expense.
Some day, I plan to get a gallery to handle the more expensive items, but I stand the best chance for the less expensive items if I get a business up and running on Facebook. Many people are doing it these days.
One could legitimately ask why don't I just forget all this and molder away in my apartment 'as is," praying the day away. After all, I am old, and how many more years do I have? Also, there is the fact that I've already lost the vision in one eye and may lose the vision in another. Why not just GIVE UP like so many others do in their retirement?
All I can say is that no one can tell me how long I will live, and as far as I can see, it could be DECADES more. I do not want to deliberately organize my life so that other people will be forced to care for me to a greater and greater degree. I have no family to speak of and there is NO SAFTEY NET. Plus, I still have an active mind and it is not my temperament to just sit and wait for death. I must at least TRY to make a success of things so that I do not presume on the generosity of others. It is not fair to them.
Between the prayer schedule, physical household tasks, writing the novel and making the art projects, my life is jam packed and, if I do not think too much about the razor's edge on which I walk, it is a happy life. But this week, the razor is a bit too sharp for me, and I've had the weepies for a few days. I am stressed and have been crying on the shoulders of friends - something that has not been characteristic of me during my life, but everyone has their breaking point.
I will have to get some help
I am contemplating another GOFUNDME campaign to get the car fixed and get some more tools to sell the art and jewelry. My independent temperament finds this VERY hard - to have to resort to this. I have been self-supporting my entire life. I never received financial help from family.
Though my father was wealthy, he was a selfish man, and the one time I asked him for help in my early 20's, he screamed at me, "I don't owe you ANYTHING!" At the same time, he lied to his wife that he was giving me money so that he could hide the fact that he was spending a lot on other women and hotel bills for his many and frequent assignations. It is no wonder that he died under such suspicious circumstances. The wages of sin.
One sociopathic family member did offer to help me, on two occasions, but both involved schemes to rob me of whatever minimal amount of money and dignity I had left. So there has never been a safety net. I have always walked the tight rope over a pit of ravening wolves.
Anyway, when one's family is so egocentric they won't throw a cup of water on you if you're on fire, it teaches you not to rely on humans, and I spent my previous working life in that mode, so that now, when I simply must ask for help, it is an extremely uncomfortable thing to do. Combine my experiences outlined above with my autonomous temperament and disability and you have a recipe for an extremely stressful situation. I am sure I am learning from it, though. It is chastening me and providing plenty of opportunity to learn humility through forced and constant humiliations.
I do have a handful of remarkable Catholic friends that have been very helpful - but they can't do EVERYTHING....especially when it involves car repairs that I estimate will cost between 1 and 2 thousand dollars. Everything has its limit and, as one person pointed out to me the other day, it really is too bad that I come from such an awful family because they have cohesive families that require their attention, and I am not part of that group. While I always advocate for a more family-friendly government in my country, I wish, at the same time, that more thought was given to the many many seniors who come from very small or miserly and despicable families. I see these people all the time. They are the invisible older folks that walk their remaining years alone.
The other day, a very old man came wandering into the apartment complex, on foot, with a wooden walking stick. He was looking for the office and was saying that he had to move out of his place the very next day. I didn't quiz him. I was walking my little service dog with a good friend of mine who had come to visit. I urged the man to ask about the waiting list and about the low-income program. I am still worrying about the poor old guy and sending up prayers for him. Unlike me, he is able to walk with no problem, it seems, but he is obviously in extremis and there is little real help for someone in emergencies at that age. When one is younger, it is easier to find shelter.
On the other hand, there is that wonderful passage that I have found so helpful for so many years:
We are never really alone. Even for those of us for whom our parents were absent, even when in the same room, when parents have not behaved as parents, the moment they abandon us, even if we are babies or toddlers or teens, the Lord takes us up at that time - and He is the best parent of all.
A matter of urgency
I live in a crime-ridden neighborhood. I can't keep my car in the garage all the time because unless I move it, I can't use my mobility scooter or my walker. I can't get them out of the garage because it is too tight a squeeze. I have no room for them in the house.
The garage also houses the trash and I cannot move it out of there without also removing the car. Meanwhile, this is the land of the giant cockroach and enormous black widow spiders. I have had no one to help me tidy up the trash area or the garage - and God only knows what will crawl into my car while it sits there with no window all night!
The small triangular window in to the back seat is also missing from a night when I forgot to move the car into the garage and hoodlums broke in and stole EVERYTHING, including the service dog's car seat! (I thought that was particularly mean.)
The list of work that needs doing:
Fix the mechanical mechanism inside the door that raises the window.
Replace the back little window piece.
Replace the catalytic converter
The turn signals do not work.
The power steering has not really worked for some time, although we jerry rigged a partial solution some years ago, and it hurts my arms and shoulders any time I have to do much of a turn.
The brakes have not been examined in YEARS.
The fluids should probably be checked.
The tires are low in air.
I am estimating that I will need $2,000. It could be more, if I can't find someone to do it "on the cheap," but once I have the $2,000 I can start, at least. It sounds like a lot, but it is a heck of a lot cheaper than buying a new car, so what choice do I have?
I have reached out to a couple people in search of someone to do repairs "on the cheap," but so far no luck. It's just as well, however, because when I have done that in the past, it has not worked out well. It is best to pay for a legitimate mechanic/repair person and get the job done right the first time.
I will start working on the GOFUNDME
In the meantime, if you are able to donate to the car repair project, I would be most grateful. You could use the DONATION button ABOVE RIGHT, UNDER MY PHOTO. It is a bit rusty, as no one has contributed in more than a year, but Paypal is reliable.
If you have any questions, you can certainly contact me on Facebook at:
THIS FACEBOOK LINK
Just send me a message there, and I will try to be routinely available for chatting most of the time.
I hope ya'll are having a better week than I am at this point in time. It is only through prayer, gritting my teeth, and pushing on that I am able to endure.
I hope you all have a beautiful Sunday
God bless you all!
Sannyasini Kaliprana
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