I have been having a particularly frustrating period of time in which contemporary events are just one nightmare on the heels of another. This type of cycle triggers my PTSD and reminds me of a long string of lifetime difficulties, frustrations and disappointments. It seems like everything I have tried to do over the last three decades has been summarily frustrated. One step forward, five steps back. It is exhausting.
My frustration had gotten so bad I spent 2 days unable to resist the weeping that seemed to be on the edge of my tear ducts every dang minute. Mind you, I wasn't incapacitated by it. As usual, I pushed through the inconvenient waterworks to take care of the daily grind, but I made a mental note to put a pin in it for a future day when I had time to unpack it all and figure out what to do with it so I could get on with life without bursting into tears every time I had to explain myself and why certain things are a problem for me. One disaster reminds me of another, and it all comes piling in on me.
When faced with a big life challenge, what I will typically do is spend some time in mental prayer and ask the Lord what He wants me to know at that moment, and I open my mind to the answer, sitting quietly and waiting. It could take days before I get some clarity - especially if I am at a significant crossroad in my life.
In addition to my mental prayer and meditation, I will usually also spend a bit more time in reading inspirational and/or instructive books and watching inspiring movies or documentaries.
I knew I was "in for" a significant message. I am coming up on my 20 year hermit anniversary, and it is both appropriate to review my life path, and somewhat urgent, since the difficulties of my hermit life, as a result of my health problems, mostly, have begun to really press in on me lately because they are unrelenting and I have so little help, except from a couple of friends, who themselves are loaded with family responsibilities and are already doing all they can.
I have also found it upsetting that friends I made when I first became Catholic really surprised me and stomped on my feelings by throwing me away when Trump came into politics and I made it clear that I do not approve of his methods. My friends mean a lot to me, since I have no family to speak of, and for them to throw me away because of a difference of opinion on politics is shocking - especially since the person for whom they threw me out is utterly morally bankrupt.
It is also important to note that I have not changed in the slightest since Trump came on the scene, other than becoming more physically disabled and having a few more wrinkles. I am as loving toward my friends as I ever was. I've never been a terribly political person per se, though I have had my share of marches for peace and justice when I was much younger. I am in favor of peace and justice, but I do not even have a favorite political party. It depends on the issue.
If people were throwing me away because I was a bad friend, it would be one thing - but to dispose of me because I do not share their devotion to a political figure seems, at the very least, unenlightened and more than a little off the mark. That alone is odd, but combined with all the cruelty and dishonesty in his methods, I wonder that they are surprised by my lack of approval of him. He threw little brown children in cages and made them sleep on cement floors, for crying out loud. He lied constantly and then he tried to overthrow our government. His reign was a nightmare.
But for some reason I will never understand, half of the Catholic world is in love with Trump and they justify every awful thing he does, which is another nightmare to add on top of the continual rejection I have gotten from the Church. I can understand those who believe that making abortion illegal will save babies and for this reason they support Trump. (I don't happen to agree that this method will save many (if any) babies because women will return to D.I.Y., the abortion pill, and traveling to areas where it is still legal), but I am pro-life and I do respect the initial impulse to try and do something about this trend.
I had already been cast aside by Hindu friends because I became Catholic - only to find myself out in the cold by many of the Catholics. I have at times wondered if becoming Catholic was the biggest mistake of my life. Don't get me wrong. The faith of Jesus is what I believe in, but many of the people in His church don't seem to share that belief. And there is so much politicking going on that the last time I was getting the Eucharist brought to me, the woman brought the good news of Trump rather than the Gospel, and priests are STILL giving homilies about politics instead of Jesus, turning their tongues into pretzels to justify the politicization of the faith.
I became Catholic because of the mystical contemplative heart of the faith that I read about from St. Teresa of Avila, St. John of the Cross, Jane de Chantal, Therese of Lisieux, Hildegard of Bingen, Teilhard de Chardin, Mechtilde of Magdeburg, Julian of Norwich, and many others. But I never hear a homily about any of those folks. Instead it is a constant litany about abortion and politics. It makes me sad.
I believe that the Catholic Church is under demonic attack from the inside. It has probably ALWAYS been, don't you think? Every horrible thing the church has done can likely be traced back to the work of Satan. Satan hates the Catholic Church and misleads Catholics of all stripe. I have run into a lot of Catholics who do not believe in Hell or Satan or Demons, but they still believe in Heaven and the heavenly reward that awaits them when they die. Jesus Himself talked about Hell and Satan quite a bit.
Anyway, the subject of Satan and how he messes around with the people in our church is a topic for another day or two or three, and I know that, to some people, it just sounds nutty - the idea of demons - but there has been so much cartoonish treatment of the topic that it is hard for many people to take it seriously, but we really need to.
So - back to my week: The weight of all my limitations, roadblocks, disappointments, etc., had begun to feel too much for me to handle by myself but what was I to do?
My monastic life does not look like I thought it would, two decades ago when I decided that my inability to work outside the home gave me an unanticipated space to live as a hermit. I had WANTED to start a Catholic contemplative ashram, similar to the Hindu places where I had lived. This would be more of a residential situation for retired senior ladies who wanted to live a dedicated life and spend time in shared meditation and prayer. I had an entire plan, and I was to use part of the inheritance my father promised me to carry it out.
By the way, this idea of a Catholic ashram is not new, nor did I invent it. There is a long tradition in India of similar things. Father Bede Griffiths, a remarkable modern mystic (now gone on to his heavenly reward) created a monastic institution based in an Indian model while in India and also wore the gerua (orange) color robes, as I do on occasion. The Catholic ashram model is attractive to those of us with a background in Hinduism, and also for people of Indian ethnicity.
Gradually, it became obvious that it was not going to happen, especially when my father died about ten years into my hermit life, and I learned that he had previously been taken to an attorney to write me out of his will when he was suffering from dementia. It really depressed me and it distracted me from my purpose. He died under suspicious circumstances, which was very sad, and it weighed on me, because I did not even know that he had died until after he had been cremated. I had no opportunity to say goodbye to him or to later request an autopsy. This time of year is rough on me, when that anniversary comes around.
Those of us who die poor should be grateful not to have any money because no one will have a reason to get rid of us. Poverty is a blessing in some ways.
At times like this, I turn to the saints, especially those in heaven to whom I am related, and also those that are the patron saints of issues I struggle with, such as Wednesday's saint.
I also try to learn something from ordinary people - people who have confronted a string of disappointments and disasters and experience a lot of rejection.
One such person was a man by the name of Stuart Long. His entire life was one disaster after another - kind of like mine - and he died from a terrible wasting disease. Mark Wahlberg, a devoted Catholic, portrays him in the movie "Father Stu" that was written by Mel Gibson's girlfriend. Mel is also in the movie.
Here is an interesting article comparing the Hollywood version of Stu's life with what really happened, and they are pretty dang close, which is unusual for Hollywood:
(CLICK on the link below the photo.)
Stuart Long cannot catch a break. He comes from a broken family with an alcoholic, somewhat vulgar father and a doting mother. First he is a boxer, then gets "too old" for that, then decides he wants to be an actor, and that does not work out, but after his terrible accident, and a big spiritual experience, he realizes that he is destined to be a priest.
Then, he is a new Catholic, and they reject him at first, but he gets accepted to the seminary. (YAY!) He starts to do well. He really "gets" it. He is INSPIRED, but earthy and real at the same time. Gradually, the brash and foul mouthed man begins to earn the grudging respect of his new friends in the Church - THEN he is diagnosed with a terrible and incurable wasting disease and they're going to kick him out because his disability is going to interfere with his career as a priest. He does really well in the seminary and has gone through Hell to get through it all, but after all that, they can't ordain him.
What happens next is a wonderful payoff and because the name of the movie is "Father Stu," you KNOW that he DOES get ordained, but the payoff is much better than that, so you really must see that film. I watched it twice yesterday and cried through the last third of it each time. Ugly cry.
I just can't tell you any more details because I don't want to ruin it for you. Toward the end of the movie, Wahlberg delivers a gorgeous soliloquy, and I wish I could quote it here. I wrote it down in my diary, but, again, I just can't rob you of the opportunity to have a good cleansing cry. Please go see that film.
What I will tell you is that Stuart Long tells us that disability is a blessing. Is that what I need to hear or what? Of course, I myself have said the exact same thing MANY times, though not in as eloquent a manner, but of course we all know these important spiritual facts, but we have to be reminded every now and then because Satan's demons are always whispering into our ears, making us think that negative and self-defeating thoughts are our own.
They say, "I am not worthy to devote my life to God" or "I'm too sick," or "I just can't do it. I am not able." None of it is true, especially that bit about it being too hard for me. I can dedicate myself to a life devoted to God, but that does not require that I do it in a perfect manner. I will do it in my own way, the way that God created me to do. I will do it to the best of my ability.
On thing Father Stu says, which I will share with you, is not to pray for an easy life, but for the grace to handle a difficult one. (I am paraphrasing here.) We know this is divinely inspired thought. After all, Jesus could have arranged an easy life for himself but that's not what he did, is it? Instead, he took on the sins of the entire world and died in reparation for them, in a very gruesome way.
I am always telling people that almost ALL of the saints had difficult lives, so we should not think that proof of holiness is a stress-free, easy life. That kind of thinking - that God rewards holy people with easy lives - is heresy with a capital "h." It is not Catholicism. Sure, some people will tell you it is true and they will publish all kinds of New Age memes on Facebook that make that claim - but they are wrong. Those kind of memes are calculated to throw coals on the heads of suffering people that Jesus told us to love.
At the same time I have been binge watching "Father Stu", I am also re-reading my copy of "Manual for Spiritual Warfare." Very early in that little book is a discussion about how, exactly, the demons insinuate themselves into the thoughts and minds of humans and how they encourage the creation of situations that lend themselves to pushing humans to do the exact wrong thing, They get into your head and make you think that their whispered accusations are actually your own.
Why does God "allow" this? Well, he has engineered free will into all the lives of his creation. If he did not give us free will, that would make us slaves, and we could not love Him freely. We have to choose Him. The demons are only angels that made the wrong choice. They did not want to obey God. They wanted to be in charge.
So we need to learn from this - not to get too big for our britches and decide that we know better than God. Also, it's not a good idea to blame God. Stuart tells us that he blamed his constant bad luck and roadblocks on God - as if it was his fault. He blamed God for all of it, and I think he was mad at him for it.
I am glad that I have yet to blame God for any bad thing that has happened in my life - and I do not say "why me?" but I am rather more prone to saying, "why not me?" I credit the Swami with teaching me that. He also used to say, "just know that something good is going on, even when you can't see it." That has helped me a great deal over the last few years. Something good is going on.
Today I am appealing to my cousin, Saint Henry II of Bavaria who also wanted to be a monk but was discouraged from the priesthood and monastic life - and by "discouraged" I mean they denied it to him. He tried a couple of times but he was advised to continue with his royal duties and leave the monastic prayers to others. He could have demanded it, I suppose, but it shows a bit of humility that he did not insist on it. He followed through with the life that was peculiarly suited to him, and he ended up being Holy Roman Emperor and did a wonderful job of it.
And what will I do? Well, I will continue to do that work that The Lord obviously wants me to do because He has left no possibility for anything else. Evidently, he does not trust me to decide on my own and follow through with it. I am to continue on as an Accidental Hermit and devote my disabled body to Him, offering up my pains and disappointments in reparation for my sins and the sins of the world, and I will continue to develop gratitude for all of it.
It will take some work to be grateful for the humiliating financial situation, but I will learn.
Currently, my car is missing two windows on the driver's side. In fact, halfway through writing this diary entry, I had to run out and put it back into the garage. Forgetting that the open window meant that the seat would be WET from the heavy summer monsoon rain, I sat right down in it.
After driving it into the garage, I had to change my clothes, as I was sopping wet! It is embarrassing to be driving a broken down old jalopy, missing hub caps and windows and turn signals. But what can I do?
So, I hobbled back into the house with my soggy butt and had to change clothes and hang the wet pants.
I will be advertising a GOFUNDME as soon as I get some idea of how much it will cost to get everything fixed. It just kills me to always have to beg. You'd think after two decades of disability, I'd be used to it by now - but no. Aside from the discomfort of begging, I find it rather awkward to be driving around in a car that is obviously ill cared-for. Caught between a rock and a hard place.
I worked my whole life so I could pay for the maintenance on my cars, and ever since I got to New Mexico. I've been having car problems. I took SUCH good care of the Toyota that I drove here but then some guy in a truck decided to back into my car without looking in his rear view mirror and accordion it while I was in it, and that was the end of THAT! Because the car was SO OLD, the insurance company would only give me $200.00 for it as a total loss! It did not matter how well cared-for it had been or what low mileage it had on it.
Ever since I lost that really good, reliable car, It has been one ugly jalopy after another, because I was already disabled and would never again have the money to buy a decent car. If I sell my novel and get the movie rights sold, things may change. In the meantime, I ride jalopies.
What I could use is a van that I could drive my mobility scooter into, and I thought about trying for it again, but the last time I tried to pull the money together for that I got NOTHING for all my effort, so I am just praying to fix the jalopy I've got already, rather than advertise for what I really need because experience has told me I won't get it anyway. (My friend Jane would probably say I am being "negative" at this point, but I believe I know what to expect, based on the wisdom of long experience, so there is no point in disappointing myself unnecessarily.)
If you've a mind to help me before I get the GOFUNDME up and running, then I will very much appreciate a donation. You'll find a DONATION button underneath my photo, above right.
I know there are a lot more tragic stories floating around out there, but I need this just as much as anyone in my position would. I am disabled and cannot use public transport for MANY reasons, the sun van buses for seniors is also impossible for me. I just cannot write the eight or ten paragraphs I would need to write to outline all the issues and the physical realities. So, while I do not drive much more than 1,000 miles a year, those miles are essential - because I have no other method of having that transportation. I have friends who take me to the eye doctor and the very rare lunch but there are certain short trips for which I just have to have a car. I live on a low retirement income that just doesn't cover car repairs. The last time I took the car in to be repaired, it cost an entire month's income.
SO - I will get up the GOFUNDME as soon as I can. I am not feeling well at all and moving slowly. I am also working on some art and jewelry projects, which I have to finish and then try to sell, as well as start a Facebook page for them. It is going to take me some time to get all the projects up and running. Then there is the NOVEL I am still writing, albeit slowly. I will let you know when those things are ready for you.
In the meantime, if you are interested in watching that movie FATHER STU, you can rent it from Amazon:
If you would like to learn about my cousin, Henry II of Bavaria, here are a few good pages about him:
CATHOLIC ONLINE
Reading about Henry will disabuse you of the notion that saints are all perfect. Of course, most of the saints that REALLY appeal to me are a bit more perfect than our man Henry here - but it is very difficult to maintain perfection whilst embroiled in politics. Also, the separation of church and state is not considered a thing to be desired here in the USA, but Henry was appreciated by the church partly because of his involvement of the political world with that of the Catholic Church.
But I would remind people that when the Church WAS in charge in the political arena, it did a lot of horrible things in the name of God, so I rather think it obvious that too much power in the control of any institution is too much a temptation and should not be repeated.
Henry was ill for most of his reign. He also wanted to retire to a monastery but was rejected. And he was known to break out into Bible verse in the middle of a political speech. He accepted his role in life and brought his spiritual inclinations to the job he was given. He sounds to be quite something, and I wish I could have seen him. I count on meeting him in Heaven, when the time comes.
As for my mood, I don't much feel like crying at the drop of a hat any more. It occurred to me that when one decides to dedicate the rest of their life to God, your life belongs to Him from then on and He can do whatever He likes with it. It seems bad manners to complain about his decisions after the fact. Otherwise, I have not GIVEN him anything, have I?
SURE, my life does not look like I planned it would, but whose plan is to be followed, anyway? I've decided to follow Father Stu's example and go one step further than accepting God's will for me life. I have decided to celebrate it just as it is, because the fact that it is what God has decided for me automatically makes it a wonderful thing. Something good is going on.
So - that's my ramble for the next few days. Have a beautiful week , everyone, and God bless you all.
Kaliprana
Silver Cottage Hermitage
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