TUESDAY
The doctor walked into the exam room and introduced herself.
I said, "hello," and she said, "I'm fine, how are you?"
I hesitated for a moment then said, "I said hello."
She dissembled into a word salad that meant nothing and I just had to proceed with the conversation because clearly I was alone in the room. Or she was. Either way - I knew that my invisibility had kicked in again and that I would probably not be able to get this woman to see or hear me. She was in her own head.
We talked about a couple things, but most important was the 3-month renewal of my medication. I told her several times what they were and how often they are taken. There are only two, but she could not keep more than one in her head. Of course, that information is in my file, but someone who is preoccupied with what is going on inside her head won't be able to see that either.
We finished the "conversation," and she left the room saying that the medical assistant would be in shortly.
I waited. And I waited. And I waited. 20 minutes passed, and I just knew that when the doctor left the office she had promptly forgotten me and moved on to the next patient without telling the assistant that she was done with me. I wandered out into the echoing, empty halls and wondered if they'd closed for lunch and just locked me in! Fortunately, no. I wandered around saying, "anybody here?" "Hello?" My voice echoed against beige medicinal walls. The rooms were empty. The nurse's station was unmanned.
Finally, I found my way to the waiting room and told the front desk clerk I had been forgotten. She looked at me blankly. The assistant walked PAST me and I had to grab her and tell her, "did you guys forget me?"
She said that the doctor had not given her my file to let her know that she was done with me. I told her I had been waiting for 20 minutes, and her eyes opened wide at that news.
I told her that I would stay in the waiting room.
More chaos ensued.
She brought me a piece of paper that was supposed to have my future appointments and my medications on it. I tried to get her to stay with me and answer some questions, but she was just too busy, so she left me there to contemplate a list of appointments with doctors I have never heard of, and a long list of medications that I do not take.
"Hey!" I yelled after her, "This is somebody else's."
It took her a minute to understand, but when she did, she rushed over to grab it back from me.
From across the waiting room, another senior patient was watching this circus. I caught her glance. She rolled her eyes and looked heavenward in an expression I completely understood. I was not invisible to her, and felt grateful for it.
I explained to the medical assistant that one of the medications was missing. ("How many times and to how many people do I have to repeat this?" I asked myself.) She left to fix it and returned with another paper that she thrust on me, then quickly left.
I sat down to read it, determined not to leave without it being fixed.
Sure enough, one of my two medications was still missing and there was no appointment listed with my regular doctor - the two things for which I had this appointment.
I called her back but she said she could not fix it and I would have to speak to someone later.
That was two days ago and the medication snafu is still not fixed. More phone calls to ensue!
WEDNESDAY
THE DAY AFTER the medical appointment, I dealt with invisibility again. There was a man sitting in a truck outside my apartment, with his truck sitting right in the middle of the lane, with various tools and a randomly placed red barrier sitting cattywumpus in relation to nothing in particular. "Mobile Screen and Glass" was emblazoned on one door.
When I left on my mobility scooter, with my dog trotting alongside me, he had been there for half an hour, reading his phone that was in his lap. I hoped he would not be there much longer because I needed to leave, but when the dog and I returned 20 minutes later, he was still there, meditating on his lap, blocking everyone.
I kept trying to talk to this guy to ask him if he could move to the curb instead of just sitting in the middle of the only exit lane, but every time I opened my mouth, he closed his window on me! I could also direct him to a CLOSER parking spot, but could not get his attention. At one point, he said he wasn't going to move unless and until someone needed to leave, but I was obviously not going to be able to walk up two flights of stairs to FIND him and tell him when I needed him to move, so I got him to roll down the window again and asked him not to roll it up on me. He announced, "well, I was finished," and he rolled it up again, as I began to try to get a sentence out of my mouth. This was a different variety of invisibility. This was a self-involved, distracted man who wanted me to disappear and got mad at me for not complying with his wish.
When people behave like this, the temptation is to take it personally. People will blame this invisibility on old age, presuming that old age is so unattractive that it calls out for invisibility. But that is not what is happening here, with this man or with the doctor I had to deal with the day before. The apparent invisibility is part of the overarching problem of egotism and self-involvement of the seer, not anything having to do with the SEEN. It just expresses itself in different ways, depending on the situation.
This is not something I concluded by my own little self.
THE PRESCRIPTION OF JESUS
One thing that helped me greatly while I was in the Hindu convent was the exposure to Catholicism that I received through the many books about the Catholic and Orthodox monastics and mystics which later inspired me join the Catholic Church, where Jesus addresses natural egocentrism with a prescription that is echoed throughout the New Testament in which he constantly admonishes us to get our minds off of ourselves.
He tells Peter to feed his sheep and feed his lambs. He tells us not to invite anyone to a banquet who can afford to pay us back. He tells us to feed the hungry, give water to the thirsty, welcome the stranger, clothe the naked, care for the sick and visit the prisoner. He tells us to examine the big plank in our own eye before taking the speck out of the eye of the other. He tells us only to criticize if we ourselves are without sin. He continually points our attention to "the other" who is unable to reciprocate.
I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink,
I was a stranger and you welcomed me,
I was naked and you gave me clothing,
I was sick and you took care of me,
I was in prison and you visited me."
Matthew 25:35-36
I have read many times about how older folks "become invisible," but I believe it has much less to do with the seen than the seer. It isn't "My" invisibility at all! It is just a by-product of the self-absorption of other folks whose minds are preoccupied with the dance of the mind that the Hindus and Buddhists called "Monkey Mind."
When the attention of the "seer" is focused on their own inner turmoil, what is seen is not the person in front of them. It is only when the SEEN appears to be able to satisfy that inner turmoil inside the SEER that the seer will turn their attention outward, but they are still really only seeing THROUGH their their own personal impulsions, desires, chaos...whatever. Rarely will they "see" the actual person standing there.
SEEING THE OTHER IS AN ACT OF LOVE
But isn't is wonderful when one feels seen and heard? You can tell when someone sees you. It is magical, partly because it is so unusual and, as such, an incredible release. It is the stuff that love is made of. Not specifically romantic love...but all love.
So - if we are going to love our "Neighbor," which means everyone with whom we come into contact, we have to make an effort to see them. Really see them.
As a side note, I will point out that gossip is typically a violation of love because it is not grounded in a love that sees the person being slandered.
The training that I received in how to coach the mind to move off of itself and onto The Lord helped to demonstrate to me the remedy for the selfishness that is natural to most of us. (There are other ancillary bennies also, but I won't focus on those.)
When you think about it, this struggle toward purification of the ego and clarifying of vision harkens back to the stories about Satan who is the personification of egotism which, one way or another, we are encouraged to abandon. When we renew our baptismal vows, we renounce Satan. In doing that, we renounce egotism and every other evil thing Satan represents. The degree to which we are able to do that is the degree to which we grow closer to God and become "perfect, as our Heavenly Father is perfect."
It is a long process, and it is not easy. There are lots of bumps and hiccups on the way, but it is worth the effort.
Even Jesus's prescription to forgive those who have hurt us and pray for our enemies also serves to take our attention, once more, from ourselves (our feelings) and onto the other, instead.
Knowing what I know about this process has enabled me to detach from the frustration I experience when I am treated as if I am invisible. At the very least, it is difficult to get the business of life accomplished, such as the right prescriptions for the right patient!
I am reminded by Jesus to pray for these frustrating people, and, when possible, advocate for them and their welfare.
Since becoming disabled and falling into a lower socio-economic strata, prayer and teaching meditation are the only things I can do for others. At times, I miss the other service projects, but I am working hard on accepting God's will for me in all things, including this, so, in addition to remembering to pray for friends and other good people, I have to make a point to pray for the people who exorcise their mental chaos on me.
Feel free to contact me if you have the need, and I will be happy to add you to my prayer journal. Likewise if you have any questions about meditation, I will be happy to talk about that as well. Leave your email address with a message in the comment section, which will NOT be published, and I will contact you.
In the meantime, may we all be blessed!
Amen.
Silver Rose
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