UNSOLICITED ADVICE

There is nothing that throws a cold wet blanket on a relationship like unsolicited advice when a little empathy and sympathy are all that are called for.

This is never more evident than on social media, especially with people with whom you are less well acquainted than would be ideal. Let us say that you've had a bad day or something unfortunate is occurring, and you post an oblique mention on Facebook among your friends. There is always at least one person who, without benefit of knowing any of the underlying facts, just jumps right in and does a cursory Google search and then throws a website link at you or, more commonly, they will dispense low-grade, unimaginative BASIC directions that only a truly dull person would not have already thought to do.

She knows next to nothing about the situation and, though you haven't asked for advice or recommendations, this person is going to give you elementary instructions, by golly, whether you like it or not, and when you tell her that you aren't in need of her sage advice, she informs you that simply by posting anything on Facebook, you are asking for advice. Of course, this is not true. Posting on Facebook does not constitute permission for random people to talk down to you vis-a-vis ridiculously juvenile advice. Fortunately, there is a block function, and you can get rid of these socially inept neanderthals when they refuse to stop gracing you with their fabulous prescriptions.

After my latest experience with a woman who tried to force her advice on me, despite my request that she stop, I was moved to write a blog about communication. Clearly, it is needed, though I doubt the people who need it the most will read this, but perhaps if the rest of us raise the tone of social media through treating each other with greater respect and love, those other people who are addicted to the sound of their own voices will pick up some of these habits by osmosis. A rising tide raises all boats.

The great thing about a blog is that, although it is often a type of 'advice,' it is a passive platform for it. It isn't targeted to any one individual. It doesn't humiliate individuals in public in the way that a Facebook post will do. If someone reads this blog, or any blog, they're free to take any "advice" they feel might relate to them,  without having to feel that they have been flagged in public.

So what should you do instead of forcing unsolicited advice on others? If you truly want to "help someone" (as many advice-givers claim) then take the time to get an accurate picture of the problem, but first ask the person if they want your help. If it is a personal matter, don't be surprised if they decide not to share with you. If they're not comfortable sharing the details with you, then they're sure not going to be comfortable listening to your advice. Offer, instead, emotional support. something along the lines of;

"I'm sorry you're going through a rough patch right now. Let me know if you ever want to talk."

If you DO get their agreement, ask some fact finding questions that will give you the back story. Ask the person what they've done to rectify the situation and ask them what result they would like to have happen. Ask an open question such as, "is there anything else you want to tell me about this situation?"

At that point, if you feel you may have some ideas that might help, ask the person, "can I run some ideas by you?" If they say "yes" then phrase your ideas gently. Don't tell them what to do. Ask them. For instance, "how would you feel about doing ______(x)_______" OR "Have you thought about doing ________(x)___________."

This is a format for phrasing your questions in a respectful manner that invites permission, rather than trying to force it.

Be prepared for the person to reject your ideas. They do not owe it to you to explain why your ideas for them do not work for them. It may look to you as if the person is just being negative or that they are standing in their own way or even causing their own problems. That could be true or it also could be true that you are failing to understand this person's point of view. No matter how self-reflective a person is, it is often difficult to convey an individual's perspective to another person who doesn't live inside their head, and they simply don't have the language to articulate it.

The entire world is not crying out for our opinions, as much as some might feel otherwise. It is far more crucial to give love, affection, sympathy and warmth than it could ever be for your unsolicited advice.

Just to be clear, solicited advice is when an individual agrees that they specifically want your advice in particular. It doesn't count if someone has mentioned a problem in a Facebook post UNLESS that post distinctly ASKS for advice or recommendations. Posting a lament is not permission.

If you haven't asked the receiver if they want your advice, anything and everything you might offer as a solution is unsolicited and therefore useless.

If it sounds like compassion takes a lot of time and a lot of work - it DOES! If you can't give the time, don't offer your services.

Finally, I would ask you to examine your motives. Why is it your first instinct to try and control the actions, thoughts or words of another person instead of offering sympathy, love and emotional support? Does this person's situation actually annoy you, and you want to shut them up by offering a fast fix so you can make a hasty exit? Do you feel judgmental or critical about the person and think, perhaps, they cause their own problems?  Do you feel uncomfortable with the personal information that they've revealed about themselves? Get yourself sorted out FIRST. YOU might be the one that needs fixing - in the way of an attitude adjustment. Or perhaps you just need a script - something to say that conveys compassion but that doesn't require you to have an hours-long conversation you don't have the time to start?

"I'm sorry to hear this. Do you need to talk about it?" is a good place to start. If you don't have time at the moment, then also say something like, "I've got to run out now, but I have some time on Friday. Can we chat on a private message?" If you DON'T have any real interest in the person, then you can simply say "I'm sorry to hear this. May I pray for you?" [Or whatever your version is.] You get the idea.

You aren't expected to be available to every person you run into on social media. You don't HAVE to fix every squeaky wheel, and it is understood that we all have a finite number of minutes we can afford to devote to noodling around on Facebook.

MOST of us have, on occasion, had to throttle back the tendency to opine about what OTHER people should do.  I've done it, in the past, and I continue to try to be better about this and put a lid on this bad habit.  Every year I try to be better, show more love, and to be more respectful and receptive to the needs of suffering people. I offer this blog in that spirit, so that we can all travel together toward love, in love.

God bless you all.

Silver Rose
Sannyasini Kaliprana