THE PLEASURE OF CONSCIOUSNESS

"Art Student" - 1997

Silver Parnell

Layers of consciousness pervade creations, whether a sketch, a story, a crocheted baby blanket, or a piece of jewelry made by hand, they are all steeped in experience, feeling and relevance, especially for the creator, the artist.

We aesthetic types are driven to produce beautiful things. Some artists produce stark and sometimes even ugly things, but those creations have a dark beauty that comments upon and reveals the dark aspects of our lives and our world. It all shakes down to some kind of beauty in the end.

Capturing a moment in time, and placing it onto a canvas or a sheet of paper (such as the one, above) merges the moment with the beautiful object produced. In this sketch is the inspired feeling of throwing myself back into the two dimensional art during a period of heartache, the end of a short marriage in which I discovered that my new husband was actually a con artist, though not a very ambitious one. He had lied about everything except his name, then rushed me into marriage on the pretext that he was so keen to have me, when the truth was considerably more modest.

The man was in financial ruin and had to hop onto someone - anyone - who would keep him from becoming homeless and thereby looking bad in the eyes of his parents. It was a disaster, most particularly because, while I had a rather good job as an office manager and litigation secretary, I had no money to speak of. At any rate, I got out as soon as I could, vowing to never go near another man as long as I lived. I have never been and would never be "lucky in love." It made me feel very little to have been used so badly for so pedestrian a reward.

So I furiously sketched out my disappointment and regret, channeling that energy into my classwork. I had never been so prolific. I remember the day I sketched my fellow artist in class, but it is more than intellectual recollection that is fused with the image. The energetic wave created while begetting a picture without looking at the paper feels something like doing a high wire act. At times, tears came to my eyes as I risked the daring trapeze - depicting without a net.

Birthing art into the world, even when fueled by despair and heartache, is a glorious thing because it arises out of body and mind and then returns to body and mind, gifting the mind with pleasing line and shape that strikes a chord in the brain. Consciousness of the object, in first the creation of it, and then the appreciation of it, is its own reward. If you can sell your work, that's really wonderful, but it's almost beside the point.

Today, I am disabled, in chronic pain, and am very slowly going blind and, although cheated out of an inheritance promised to me for 50 odd years, and living an embarrassingly mean existence on Social Security alone, I revel in the pleasure of consciousness. The drama and color of it all is remarkably pleasing, in the same way that a really good movie or Broadway play would be. Movies and plays would be dull, if not for considerable conflict. Books about writing will often counsel budding writers to be sure and include big conflict over which the hero prevails.

We are all the heroes of our own little dramas, and the degree to which we rise above our cares is the degree to which we 'succeed' in life. The weight of the cross that each of us carries through our own drama is a testament to our dignity as human creatures and, even when someone is discounting us or demeaning us, we are dignified by it if we can view all of it through the lens of gratitude for the consciousness of all of it. The greater the conflict, the better the story.

Today I am taking great pleasure in my perceptions of life and my own peculiar story, experiencing the movement of the Lord throughout, and I hope that all of my readers may likewise take great joy in the pleasure of the gift of consciousness and self reflection, today and every day.

Silver Rose

THE SOUND OF SILENCE

"I need solitude for my writing - not like a "hermit" - 

that wouldn't be enough -

but like a dead man."

~Franz Kafka~

Earlier this month, I had to stop in the middle of a grocery store aisle and yell, "This music is too loud!" Of course, no one paid the slightest bit of attention to this crazy lady, holding her hands to her ears in the dog food aisle while some old song blasted out of the speakers above my head.

Shopping used to be very enjoyable for me. Stores were quiet. If there WAS music, it was typically very soothing, but then some idiot got the bright idea to bombard shoppers with advertisements punctuated by blaring music. The advertisements are created by manufacturers of the products that the stores sell. The store gets some kind of financial benefit from the manufacturers when they blast their customers with this kind of canned sound.

I learned this about 5 years ago, when I complained to the manager of Smiths grocery store, where I used to shop. The manager told me that she wasn't allowed to turn the music down, even though I appeared to be the only person shopping there, at some odd time of day. "Corporate" had to approve turning off or turning down the volume of the music. The customer is no longer right. The customer is now a captive.

The problem with loud music is that it prevents me from concentrating on what I need to buy. Instead, I typically flee the premises, my head pounding, and a growing sense of desperation. Half the time, I don't buy half of what is on my list. I have learned what I can go without, as a result of this recent assault on my brain cells. Smiths Grocery Store, and other corporate monsters, would make more money if they eliminated this music torture from their policies, but I doubt they will give it up, since they believe they are benefiting from it financially. Maybe the manufacturers of the products give them more money than what they would make from the customers who run frantically out of their stores.

Smiths Grocery Store no longer gets any of my meager funds. Instead, I shop at Sprouts, but they have ALSO started playing really loud music. To combat this modern tendency, I have taken to wearing ear plugs when I shop. They help to tone down the volume, but I would be happier if they took out all the noise.

A few years ago, I found out that I have several eye problems that are going to result in partial or complete blindness at some point in the future. I really wish I could have lost my hearing instead.

I have always wondered why appreciation for peace and quiet does not seem to be shared by others, since even when people have the option to enjoy the sounds of nature, for instance at a park, they will destroy the environment with loud radios and other noise devices. I have often remarked about this to friends, wondering aloud why other people seem to be intent on receiving as many separate streams of noise as is humanly possible, whereas I cannot even filter out a conversation if music is also playing.

Yesterday, I read a medical ARTICLE about how some great writers and creative people have an inability to filter out extraneous noise. They have the kind of brains that incorporate a wide ranging amount of information in their construction of literature, or painting or whatever. Marcel Proust also wore ear plugs! He covered the walls of his room with cork.

Evidently, creative geniuses have "leaky sensory gating." I am very happy to be in such illustrious company, instead of just being eccentric. Now, if I could only be paid like a genius, my life would be a heck of a lot more serene. I could buy a shipment of cork.

Silver Rose Parnell
(c) Copyright 2018
All rights reserved.

THE LAST LEAF

Hawks nesting tree in my back yard.

I long ago developed a personal philosophy of persistence with regard to important goals. I "shake the trees" until all the leaves fall off before I give up and, naturally, throw myself on the mercy of the Lord. I accept that whatever plan I had in mind was not the plan of God and, in obedience, I give it up with great joy.

Now that it has become clear that I neither have enough money to move into a safer, more appropriate space, nor do I have the assistance of anyone who could provide me with a residence, I have only one "leaf" left on this particular tree, and that is to return to my writing career that previously provided me with some extra income.

In addition to writing for television in my early 20's,, I also worked as a reader, editor and negotiator in a small literary agency that was the west coast arm of a larger company in New York that handled book authors, mostly fiction. Thanks to this experience, I am not afraid to attempt to write and market a book (or 2 or 3.) While I inspire, educate and entertain, I may also be able to purchase a hermitage that is suited to my needs. That is the hope.

Some research is needed, as at least one of the novels is based on historical fact. Internet access is also crucial, and I have finally settled upon a fairly reasonable plan that has a 2-year contract at that rate. Naturally, the installation fee and first bill is just awful, $234.00. Anyone who would like to contribute a portion of that fee is most welcome to click on the DONATION button on the right hand side of this blog post. There are also some reference books I need to get. I'll be checking with the library to see if they have any of these and, if I find one through that route, I will take the title off the wish list.

I have learned a bit about humility since becoming disabled and poor and having to beg for necessary items, but I hope that I have learned that lesson to the satisfaction of the Lord and that the current plan works so that I can be less of a burden upon the world. I keep reading that some people think that poor people enjoy their poverty and enjoy begging and being a drag upon the resources of the world. Speaking entirely from a personal point of view, I find it hard to believe this to be true in even a small way. But I digress.

Having to continually have my mind directed to the crushingly boring minutiae of survival in modern America is excruciatingly frustrating. Certainly, I live much better than natives in many parts of the continent of Africa, and I know that. No matter who you are, there will always be someone who is far worse off than you. I don't feel sorry for myself in the slightest. I am damn grateful for the many compensatory blessings bestowed on me by the Lord. But there are needs that are unmet. Medical dental and vision needs remain, Emotional needs remain, ministerial needs remain. Intellectual needs remain.

No man lives by bread alone, and I do not wish for anyone that they should have a barren life with only enough to keep their body alive. This isn't what God intended for ANY of us. What a grim vision!  Yet, many people of means truly believe that the needy should be satisfied with the very most meager of needs, such as cheap unhealthy food, air, and a roof of some sort. It is usually the wealthy who entertain the ideas that poor people are lazy and should get a damn job already. The wealthy are notoriously stingy, for the most part.

I have found that people of modest means are the most generous, the most kind, the most charitable and giving of any group of people, so I thank these people in advance, and I admire said people for having absorbed the message of Jesus, that we should love one another as much as we love ourselves.

Unfortunately, those of modest means, though generous, cannot always help in practical terms, so I pray especially for these people who have made themselves known in my life. I know most certainly that the Lord has sent them to me as personal messengers of his Love.

Currently, I am working on trying to organize and clean the house, which is quite difficult with my disabilities, but I am doing my best to create storage areas and methods of cleaning that do not take a lot of time and effort so that I can best devote myself to my writing. I will keep in touch vis-a-vis this blog and my Facebook page. I REALLY enjoy hearing from people, especially those who are also attempting to live a life devoted entire to the Lord.

Living a life devoted entirely to God while at the same time struggling to clean one's house and do all the other things that take 4 times longer than they did prior to full disability, is not an easy feat. I have been helped tremendously by a little book called THE PRACTICE OF THE PRESENCE OF GOD about saintly Brother Lawrence, who dedicated all his work amongst the cleaning of the pots and pans in the monastery to the Lord above, since he was not considered able enough to either sing in the choir or become a priest. Remaining a "lowly" brother, he attained great sanctification by performing feats that others thought were beneath them.

I too have many difficulties in attempting to perform all the religious rites I would like to do, so I offer up all those things that prevent me from doing so. There is also a wonderful little prayer from THE PIETA PRAYER BOOK called: "PRAYER FOR DAILY NEGLECTS." I recommend it highly. Often, I neglect to pray it, I am so disorganized at times, but once I DO pray it, I hope it covers the many times I have failed to do my duty.

At the very least, I keep my mind with the Lord, his saints and angels, and I recommend it to you, while I recommend YOU to all of them.

I will let you know how the book progresses, and I will be praying for you, as I hope you pray for me.

Love and blessings,
Silver Rose

REJOICING IN THE WILL OF THE LORD

After spending more than two years trying to find an appropriate hermitage that was both safe and close to doctors, shopping and my Catholic community, I have finally given up and resolved to stay where I am, make it as safe as possible, and return to writing books, with the intention of evangelizing, educating AND making some extra money to fund the PURCHASE of a small hermitage that can be outfitted to accommodate my numerous physical disabilities as well as my eventual blindness.

If the Lord had wanted me to move into another rental, we would have found something. I realized that it was God's will that I remain where I am for the time being. Many times, the will of the Lord is revealed to me by some FAILURE. Failure can serve as a beautiful message of the Lord's intentions, since nothing happens without his will or his permission.

Instead of feeling defeated by failure, I feel uplifted and joyful. The Lord has revealed at least PART of his will for me, and I feel so happy because I want nothing more fervently than to know and obey His will.

Faced with living in somewhat dangerous circumstances that do not meet my needs with regard to my disabilities, I resolved to just dig in and make the best of things. I will live with whatever I am able to endure, and I will do my best to improve the other conditions by begging for help from my Catholic friends.

The first thing I did was to have internet installed. Comcast had a special two year deal that included phone, television and internet. In order to get my writing "career" revved up again, I need access to good, fast internet. Also, I am an expert genealogist and will be open to taking genealogy research jobs, here and there, which also requires fast internet. The television gives me access to Catholic networks, the history channel, and news; while the home telephone is an added safety feature that I have been needing for some time. The cell phone service will be reduced to an emergency phone to take in the car with me on the rare occasions when I drive, which will radically reduce my usage and the cost for the cell phone.

My doctor wants me on a Mediterranean diet to address my numerous ailments, and I have resolved to follow his instruction more strictly as well as to reduce my portions, both to save money and to improve my health. The cost of the internet, cable and telephone will eat up the remainder of my food budget, so meals must be simple, albeit organic (because of asthma and allergies), and I'll have to beg for donations and/or supplies. Two of my Catholic friends have been subsidizing my diet for some time, but I will need to find some additional help. (Please don't write me and suggest the food bank. I am allergic to most of what they offer and I have had terrible luck with rancid and moldy food from them.)

Mostly, I will eat fresh organic fruits and frozen organic vegetables, brown rice, yogurt, bread and fish. My diet will closely resemble what I ate at the Hindu convent, though perhaps a bit more simple and strictly organic. I have made an Amazon wish list for food and household items that I need in this process of hunkering down and preparing for the next battle. Amazon knows my address and will mail to me directly. Otherwise, you could donate via Paypal (button on the right side of the screen.) Amazon links are at the bottom of this blog, and to the right.

Saint Jane and her husband, Dave, have already bought me a new computer, and it should arrive sometime this month. The one I am currently using is at least 8 years old. It was given to me by a neighbor who moved out of state. The screen is hanging on by a thread and is almost completely disconnected from the keyboard. It's a mess, and the software is ancient, so the time has come for a new one. (Personally, I don't like having to learn more computer programs, but it is a necessary trial.)

How do I know that writing a book is God's intention for me? I have the strong feeling that this is what He wants, but I really won't know until I finish the book and begin trying to SELL it. That is where the rubber hits the road. For myself, personally, I feel that, to the degree that I am able to support myself, I should do so. My abilities are very limited, but I should be able to get a book finished eventually. It is the last leaf on the tree I have been shaking for the last dozen years.

I won't give up my monastic routine, such as it is. Instead, I will write the book between prayer and meditation times. My heart and mind yearn to be united with Christ at all times, and I strive, in my limited ability to "pray always." Of great help is THE PRACTICE OF THE PRESENCE OF GOD by brother Lawrence of old, who said that he was equally present with the Lord amidst the pots and pans in the kitchen as he would be in the choir. He was an ordinary man with ordinary talents and a great inspiration to the rest of us ordinary people who strive to unite ourselves with the Lord.

If the sale of the book fails, then I suppose I will stop trying to do anything but PRAY and beg for my survival....like the mendicants of old.

In the meantime, I ask for your help and your prayers.

God bless us all!

Silver Rose Parnell

AMAZON WISH LISTS TO HELP ME HOBBLE THROUGH THIS PHASE:

RESEARCH AND WRITING NEEDS

WORSHIP NEEDS

FOOD, MEDICINALS AND HOUSEHOLD NEEDS

NO COMPLAINTS ABOUT THE POPE

"I wrote you in my letter not to associate with immoral 

people, not at all referring to the immoral of this world

or the greedy and robbers or idolaters, for you would then

have to leave the world.  But I now write to you not to

associate with anyone named a brother, if he is immoral, 

greedy, an idolater, a slanderer, a drunkard, or a robber,

not even to eat with such a person.  For why should I be

judging outsiders?  Is it not your business to judge those

within?  God will judge those outside.  'Purge the evil

person from your midst.'" 1 Corinthians 5:9-13

Once a person has been converted to the Catholic Christian religion, has accepted Jesus Christ and been admitted to his Church, it is assumed that such person believes in the tenets of the faith, believes that Jesus Himself created the church and made Peter, the first bishop of Rome, the rock upon which it is built.  Each Catholic person is charged to and promises to reject Satan and all his pomps and works.  At every mass, Catholics recite the Creed, which includes the statement that we believe in "the Holy Catholic Church."

Imagine my surprise when, upon becoming Catholic, I have witnessed a slew of individuals and "Catholic" blogs and newspaper articles in which people who claim to be Catholic openly defy the faith, dispute doctrine and malign the Pope, either this one or Benedict or John Paul II.  Imagine my horror when I found that a number of these detractors actually reside within the church as priests, deacons and bishops!  Some are secular bigwigs who make a living from writing about the Church.

Widespread criticism of the Pope would be understandable if he was obliterating doctrine or was living in unrepentant sin.  I would fully expect a massive uprising and quite a lot of "fraternal correction" coming from the college of cardinals and many others, but in the case of Pope Francis, for instance, I am dumbfounded by the arrogance of some who blatantly lead Catholics into the mistaken notion that public criticism of the pontiff's habit, style or manner of communication is something desirable, edifying or worthwhile in any way.

For example: recently, in THE CATHOLIC WORLD REPORT, Carl E. Olson's article appeared, the title of which is THE HYPERBOLIC AND EXHAUSTING PAPACY OF FRANCIS, which you can read HERE.  One immediately gets the thrust of the article from its title and the first sentence.

"My impression is that many Catholics are weary of the seemingly

constant addresses, homilies, interviews, texts - many of which

read like lectures - that come from the Holy Father."

Carl E. Olson

"The Hyperbolic and Exhausting Papacy of Francis"

Carl Olson sucks off the teat of Holy Mother Church while he criticizes its Holy Father.  He is editor of Ignatius Insight, and, most significantly, the editor of Catholic World Report in which the article in question appears.  He wrote a previous article in that online magazine entitled POPE FRANCIS: THE GOOD, THE BAFFLING AND THE UNCLEAR, which you may read HERE.  He is also the author of the book WILL CATHOLICS BE LEFT BEHIND? and another with Medievalist Sandra Miesel called THE DAVINCI HOAX.  He writes a weekly column for OUR SUNDAY VISITOR.  Clearly he has his fingers in a lot of Catholic media pies and is, without question, a talented person, which is the danger, of course.

I am not picking on Carl Olson in particular.  His other contributions have been helpful to the faith. Nor is he the only writer to critique the Pope in a disrespectful way, but he provides a perfect example of what ought not be done.  Whether or not his criticisms and complaints are objectively accurate is irrelevant.  We already have enough people in the secular media lambasting our church and its leaders without adding to the confusion and leading others down a twisted path away from the light of Christ.  We don't need to encourage a lack of willingness to be led by Holy Mother Church or to be taught by it and learn from it.

All of us need to model the correct attitude toward the pontiff which is indicative of our place in the scheme of things.  Cultivating a humble attitude can be challenging for Americans.  We have enough freedom to say whatever we want, and we rely so heavily on our opinions that our love for our own opinions, independent of any authority except ourselves, verges on idolatry.

Christ said that those who love Him follow his commandments. Then He set up our church, organized it on the apostle Peter, and transmitted to the apostles some of His power and authority. That power and authority has been, in turn, transmitted in an unbroken line until today.  Our Pope, a common sinner, is the recipient of that power and authority.  It is a remarkable dichotomy and one of the greater mysteries of our faith, especially when one considers that this power and authority are not simply organizational devices.  It is real power.  It is real authority.

My dearest wish is that these talented and intelligent writers would turn away from critiques of our Papa and, instead, fix their attention and their skill on helping everyone find the instructive value in each missive that the Pontiff sends our way.  Just as the power and authority of God reside within the common human who is Pope, remarkable jewels lay hidden in that artless, off-the-cuff comment, or that dull paragraph about which those writers complain.

If our Pope really is overwhelming some people with the volume of teachings, there is some good reason for it. Perhaps he is aware of a lack of time.  Maybe he senses an impending crisis, like the deceptive quiet before a tsunami hits land.  On the other hand, all of those things about which some of these writers complain could simply be the Pope's earthy, simple style.  All of God's laborers in the vineyard, including the Pope, are trying to accomplish God's work within the parameters of our abilities, hampered by the defects of our human failings and imperfections.

I pray that we all learn to shift our focus to the jewel that lays within that pile of dust, rather than the dust itself.

God bless us all.

Silver "Rose" Parnell
(c) 2015