HOW I ENDED UP AS AN URBAN HERMIT

1ST PLACE

SENIOR DIVISION

ALBUQUERQUE APARTMENT ASSOCIATION

CITY-WIDE POSTER CONTEST

2024

MONETARY AWARD - $250.00 

I did not plan to spend my life as a religious hermit in an urban environment. I had no plan at all when I left my abusive home at 17, with nothing but the clothes on my back and hippie sandals on my feet.

Despite my family being hostile to all religion, especially Catholicism, I had always been interested in God, and even though homeless, I was determined to somehow continue to pursue Him as best I could.

I crawled out of homelessness by taking advantage of my typing skills (a skill I had learned in High School.)  I was a beautiful young woman, and the only kind of help that anyone wanted to give me was not the type of help I wanted to take. Things were looking grim when the Scientologists scooped me up and gave me a place to stay, "employing" me as a communications secretary, which was mostly typing letters to people we hoped would join us. I worked 11 hours a day, 7 days a week. They gave me room and board and $10 a week as an "allowance."

In the religious sphere, I went from Scientology to Buddhism to Hinduism (Vedanta.) I was searching for the mystical heart of religion.

Photo by Jake Blucker

via "UNSPLASH"

In my working life, I had to support myself as best I could, usually as a legal secretary. I type 120 words a minute, and I usually understood the legalese and legal rationales. In my mid to late 20's, I spent a short time working at a TV studio during the day and writing stories for an episodic television show at night.  But when I was exposed to some horrifically tawdry and immoral aspects of "Hollywood", I became demoralized and just could not remain there. (The worst part of it was that it was my own father who was bragging loudly about having relations with starlets in his office, with the door unlocked, despite having his third wife living with him. I was horrified and felt defiled by having to hear this filth coming from a parent. It destabilized me.)

What followed was a series of very distressing and life-altering events that nearly killed me. My search for God, and peace and blessedness was kicked into overdrive. Fast on the heels of this pivotal moment in my life story, I searched through the Yellow Pages and found an organization that sounded very much as if they would teach meditation: the Vedanta Society.

Some time after that, my stint with the Vedantists ended up with me living in the Hindu-based convent that had been designed in imitation of the Carmelite convents of the Catholics. Unfortunately, the women were terribly mean. The swami trusted me, but they were jealous of that, on the one hand, (later admitting that they were afraid I would "run the convent from the bottom" on the other.)  I did everything I could to show my love to them, and they were not having any of it. Between the stress of their constant perturbation, and all of the physical work, my body took a real "hit" and I was in a wheelchair for some weeks. 

Divine Mother

by

Sonika Agarwal

via Unsplash

While living as a nun, I started reading the beautiful works of and stories about the Catholic and Orthodox saints and "doctors" of the church, and I just fell in love with the whole thing. I came to realize that every spot of emptiness and incompleteness that was lacking in the Vedanta faith, was answered and filled with the Catholic. I intended to leave the Hindu convent and try to enter a Catholic one. In any case I knew that I could not, indeed did not believe in the Hindu deities. The formless God of the Vedanta did not answer the yearnings of my heart.

Photo by Nick Castelli

on Unsplash

As told in more detail elsewhere, I did try to become a Catholic nun, but I could not even get them to BAPTIZE me because of ignorant prejudice. The nun in charge of the class had this weird idea that because I had been divorced after my stint with the Scientologists, I would have to endure several years of a Catholic annulment before baptism. She was completely wrong and completely adamant (as wrong people usually are!) 

At that time, however, I did not know how to process it. I didn't know any Catholics or other Christians and had no clue who to approach to fix this ridiculous impasse. I had left the convent to become a Catholic nun, and was distraught. I decided to get baptized by the Episcopalians and put aside my strong feelings for a monastic life. I wondered if God was telling me that He did not WANT me in that life, that He wanted something else. Was I supposed to be married? I wanted to do what He wanted for me.

Meanwhile, I hadn't a cent to my name, no one to help me get my secular life re-established, and a lot of work ahead of me, so I got on with the task of finding employment, working and saving. I was 40 by this time, and it was too late to think about college or career. I worked as a litigation secretary and office manager and did the best I could, taking the bus from Hollywood to Beverly Hills and back again, every day, until I saved enough money to buy a car.

BUS INTERIOR 

BY ASH GERLACHE 

ON UNSPLASH

One of the Vedanta devotees had offered to share her apartment with me, and it wasn't until after I moved out, a year later, that I learned she had charged me for the entire cost of the rent, while she tormented me with her bossiness. At one point, she moved her bed into the living room so she could use the master bedroom as her private "meditation" room, even though we lived half a block from the Temple. I was stuck, meanwhile, in a tiny, closet-sized room with no air conditioning and a super tiny window at the top of the wall, restricted from entering or leaving the apartment every time that woman took a nap. It was frustrating experience that saddened me. I had thought we were friends. ( I did not know, at that time, that I suffer from Asperger's Syndrome, which is an antique term for a high-functioning version of autism. Other folks can often sense our vulnerability and gullible, loving natures. They know we can be conned into all sorts of things just by befriending us.)

Every time I think about this particular disappointment with a person who pretended to be "helping" me with one hand while she picked my pocket with the other, I just had to remind myself that this type of selfishness is common in the world. Even though this woman did not have to work to pay her rent, for some reason, she had taken advantage of me when I was in a very vulnerable position. She had worked a little in the past, apparently, and she had wealthy parents who supported her in some fashion. She did not need to take advantage of a destitute woman with no such support.

Reading about the love of Christ while enduring the selfish cruelty of the Vedantists was a real learning experience.

I was seeking God, peace and blessedness, while my contemporaries were pursuing professional careers, money and real estate. The practical difficulties that I have at age 70 would have been much easier to accommodate if I'd taken another route and gone after money instead.

Some years after leaving the Vedantists, my physical problems that had first become visible while I was in the convent, worsened and multiplied, and within the next 10 years, I was fully disabled and had to stop working outside the home when I was 49.

Photo by Zachary Kyra-Derksen

on Unsplash

So, shortly after moving to the high desert of New Mexico from California, I found myself too disabled to work before I was even 50. I had not had time to even properly accustom myself to the town before I became home-bound. The monastic inclinations I had put aside a decade earlier began knocking on the door of my consciousness in full force. I decided to make lemonade out of lemons by dedicating the remainder of my life to God, as an independent hermit. Within three years, I was able to enter the Catholic Church, after decades of wanting to do it.

So - this is how I find myself rather poor, unmarried, without family to support me, and without any religious assistance either!  My pursuit of the Divine has left me financially bankrupt but spiritually rich, and I wouldn't exchange my wisdom and experience for all the money in the world, despite the great difficulties I endure on a daily basis. Nobody ever said that sickness and poverty were going to be easy.

Many women who enter religious life have financial support of family or institution. Some families are happy to support them in it, and I have known quite a few who, while professing the life of poverty, are actually quite wealthy. I don't begrudge it of them because they need that support, as the men are in charge of all the purse strings in this world. I'm glad these women have the support. I am just not one of them. I need to be clear about that.

I was supposed to have been one of those ladies supported by family money, except that, after my father got Alzheimer's, I was written out of my father's will by a woman he had cheated on during their entire relationship. Then he died under suspicious circumstances, and other people are now spending my inheritance.  It is a "morality play," but in real life. The moral is: Don't cheat on the woman in your life because, if you get dementia or another illness that makes you vulnerable, you do not know how your inamorata may retaliate.

My entire life, he had consistently told me, "when I die, kid, yer gonna be rich!"  The doctor that signed his death certificate never saw him, in life or in death, according to my sister. His body was quickly cremated, before I even knew he had passed on, and what could I do about it? No one saw the body before the evidence was cremated.

I had planned to get myself through my difficult, pain-wracked disability and ultimate death with the inheritance that my father had promised me for decades and, at first, the scam perpetrated on me and my poor father was a terrible blow.  But I keep telling myself that the humiliation of being forced to beg for survival is good for the soul. 

In February of 2023, I celebrated 20 years of living as an independent monastic solitary. I didn't know at that time what form my vocation would take after that. It is very difficult to continue without support, particularly since I am physically suffering. 20 years of unremitting physical pain, due to inherited arthritic conditions, a light version of ehlers danlos,  and other physical damage, have taken their toll, but probably no more so than if my asceticism had been artificially practiced with a hair shirt and continual voluntary fasts.

PRESENT DAY SITUATION

I am writing a novel and producing some paintings. I have sold both types of art in the past, as well as jewelry items I produced. So I hope to have a better financial condition in future, if possible. In the meantime, if you would like to help support a poor hermit's spiritual and creative contributions to the world, the "DONATE" button above, on the right, under my photo, still works. BUT IF YOU YOURSELF ARE LIMITED IN FUNDS: PLEASE DON'T STRAIN YOUR BUDGET.

Otherwise, I am very grateful for any help you can give. I have an Amazon wish list for these things, AS WELL AS art supplies necessary to make paintings, rosaries and jewelry for sale. I will research how to sell them online, but I am beginning talks with the manager of the parish gift store for the production of personalized bookmarkers, bracelets and painting .

My parish church is located in the oldest part of town and was built in the 17th century! We have a bookstore that is open throughout the week and which is very popular with local Catholics, and many visitors to our town. The manager purchases most of her wares from local artists.

Amethyst & Pewter Celtic Rosary

St. Margaret of Scotland Centerpiece

Thistle charm

Paternoster beads: silver tree-of-life

(Made for my use/practice piece)

Amazon has my address and will mail to me directly, once the items have been paid for. Just click on the following link:

AMAZON WISH LIST

As mentioned elsewhere, my landlord (the City of Albuquerque) which is SUPPOSEDLY renting apartments under a "low income program", has suddenly and drastically bumped up the prices of the rent in this complex where I have lived for 20 years, and I am sadly distracted by the need to find the money so I can continue to afford to live here.  I was ALREADY having a difficult time when they gave me this distressing news.

In addition to the financial strain, my landlord has demonstrated ignorance of the Fair Housing laws and a real antipathy toward the idea of accommodating disabilities. I have had to file a HUD complaint and get an attorney to help me to keep the landlord from stranding me in my apartment during upcoming construction which is slated to last a month. Their plan would require me to perform some physical tasks I can't do in order to leave the house. I am finding that most people are insensitive to the issues that disabled folks have to face every day.

A couple months ago, I won a city-wide art contest that relieved me of the anxiety around my ABILITY to produce art, due to my blindness in one eye. I have been reassured that, despite the lack of depth perception, I CAN still produce art, particularly with the help of the magnifying lamps.

In addition to selling my paintings and sketches in the past, I have also made rosaries, and jewelry items. I hope to pick that up again and sell them locally, mostly at the parish book store, mentioned above. THOSE supplies are also on the wish list.

Practice jewelry for local store

As for my primary activities, I have a routine of prayer, meditation, contemplation, and reading. At some point, I may open up this routine to the participation of other solitaries. I know there are many elderly ladies who live alone and are assiduously practicing a prayer-centered life. One day soon, I will open up my YouTube channel for them so we may pray together.

God bless us all.

Silver Rose

July 3, 2024
(C) Copyright 2024

All rights reserved

THE BLOG RESTS

 

Father Bede Griffiths, Catholic priest

and

one of his Sannyasinis (Indian style renunciate nun)

    Over the last decade, I have just loved researching the saints, writing about them and about the hermit life, and I have always looked forward to writing each post, despite the many hours of real work that each one entails. It has been a labor of love.

    It was not my idea to start this blog, however. A friend of mine from my Vedanta days encouraged me to write it, but I think she probably envisaged something more contemporary and argumentative - and specifically something that would generate some type of income.

    I subsequently learned, however, that an automatic income would only come through "monetizing" my blog, which would allow advertisements chosen by this platform to be displayed over my blog, and I could not bear the idea.  First of all, advertisements are ugly. They do not match the aesthetics I have chosen for this publication. They offend my eyes and diminish whatever message I choose to offer in the midst of the verbiage.

    Instead, I chose to request donations, leaving it to the discretion of the reader as to what they could afford, but only a very few of my many readers ever donated - except for one lovely woman who said she lived in Ireland, who donated, then became enraged when she understood that I do not support Donald Trump. Why someone in the U.K. would be so invested in an American political figure is beyond me, but she felt that my disapproval of him was a personal affront against her. She became highly offended, and told me off furiously. None of this made any logical sense to me, but this is the condition of our world at this moment.

    Readers should donate, in response to the incredible amount of work that goes into unique and well-researched posts, as well as for the sake of simple Christian charity. But  I imagine that people have grown accustomed to getting many things for free on the internet, and I am not oblivious to the fact that the disparity of income in our country, though the worst of all the industrialized nations, is increasing in severity all the time. Many folks are scrabbling, just to survive. If I can help them survive in a serene way, this influence of serenity is part of what I want to incorporate into all my public dealings.

    Although I am not focused on contemporary news and politics, if I have anything to say on those topic, I will say it on Facebook under the moniker of "The Occasional Hermit," since the newsy posts will, fittingly, disappear in time to make room for newer items in the feed. See my Facebook page for those kind of topics, with the exception of weighty topics of more longstanding import.

Blessed Virgin Mary

Our Lady of Ocotlan

    One thing I learned from my decades of meditation is that where you place your mind's eye is where you take yourself, and if you concentrate on God, you get God.  That's all there is to it. If you concentrate on the other guy, you're going to get him. It's like driving a car. You have to look out the windshield in front of you to get yourself where you are going, while only glancing through the other windows on occasion to ensure that no one is about to crash into you, or vice versa.

    I am not giving up the blog entirely. Sometimes it will be necessary to warn people off dangerous religious fads and to correct the record when a conspiracy theory is floated about, say, the Pope, for instance, at which time I may return here and put in my two cents worth. But it can't be a daily thing. I have other things to do.

Our Lady of Sorrows

    I have quit this blog a couple times in the past, and came back to it eventually because the work of getting to know the various saints I have researched has been interesting to me. I loved the whole process of becoming more familiar, and drawing closer to a life of holiness that I could use as an example for mine.

    The research and the writing of these blogs, combined with the complexity of keeping myself physically alive, have taken up so much of my  time that I have not been able to finish the books I have started, so I am going to focus on those books until I get at least ONE finished and edited. Occasionally, I will return to this blog.

    If this blog had helped me support the hermitage, that would have been a different matter and, to be fair, I had no way of knowing whether or not it would do that.  Now that I know that it will not, it is time to reassess.

Saint Kinga of Poland

Relative

    I am conducting a review of the blog entries I have posted over the last decade and removing many of them, especially those that relate to "current" events, and relegating them to the "unpublished" category. 

    I remind everyone that posts about the saints are my intellectual work product and belong to me. While you are welcome to make note of factual material, such as birth and death dates, you may not copy the blog post for any purpose. If you would like to quote from my work, you may contact me in the comment section of this blog and we can discuss.

    I will still be available to moderate the comments on the blog, though I don't expect there will be many. The donate button (below my photograph at the top of the right column) will remain in hopeful active status.

    Saint Adela of Normandy

Relative

    Obviously, my primary occupation is my contemplative life, but, other than the occasional article written for this venue, I will be continuing work on my books and my haiku poetry. In addition, I have resumed a painting career that I left behind when I began to go blind. I have managed to keep the vision in one eye (thanks be to God!) and I am slowly learning how to paint in mono-vision, with no depth perception! 

    When I have a decent number of paintings available for sale, I anticipate creating another blog for those things and will also announce it here. The painting blog MAY be combined with the author blog for my novels, but I have not yet decided. 

    As always, you may contact me through my Facebook page. You can put a comment on any of my posts, but if you want to send me a private message, I will always take a look at my message requests, eventually.

    The donation button remains active, though a bit dusty and rusty.

    Thank you for reading. I wish you the very best, and God bless you all. You are in my prayers.

Silver Rose

SAINT PAUL OF THEBES, THE FIRST HERMIT - JANUARY 15

 

Saint Paul receiving bread from the raven

that was purported to keep him alive to

be more than 100 years old

In a couple weeks, I will be celebrating my 20th anniversary as an urban hermit, so the topic is on my mind.

You know, I am always fascinated to read about the lives of these saints who were hermits, and there are quite a few of them in recorded history.

Paul is considered the first Christian hermit. We know about him because Saint Jerome wrote about him and Saint Anthony the Great, who had a connection later in life.  Paul is said to have lived to be more than 113 years old, kept alive by a raven that brought him half a loaf of bread every evening. I don't know what to say about that. I don't think I could be kept alive by only half a loaf of bread every night!

Paul did not initially intend to become a hermit. His brother-in-law wanted to grab his inheritance, so he was about to report Paul to the authorities for being a Christian. Paul went out into the desert to escape being imprisoned and killed but he eventually realized that hermit life suited him.

Obviously, he could not benefit from his inheritance ANYWAY, living in the desert like that, so it appears that he was not that attached to money to begin with, and his brother-in-law needn't have conspired to rob him of it. I find it interesting that I was also robbed of my inheritance and, although I was originally distressed about the injustice of it, considering the level of my needs as a result of my numerous disabilities, I have come to see that it might have turned out to be a curse, if I had not been written out of my father's will after he got Alzheimer's. I would likely have been hounded by people who were intent on grabbing what they could. Money is not the solution some people imagine it to be.  

I DO wish I wasn't a burden on friends, though. That is the one regret. On the flip side, I believe that The Lord has personally sent these kind people to me as his emissaries of love.

The person who robbed the inheritance will have to pay the price instead of me, I suspect. Anyway, the lack of the inheritance provides more opportunity for suffering that I may then offer to the Lord, and I should be grateful for the grace to endure it. I know it sounds backward to some people, but suffering is a type of spiritual currency. It is just ONE of the many ways that God brings all things to the good for those who believe.

Hermits, though they live alone, are normal human beings. They do have friends, but the nature of the relationships are not frequent or typical. Saint Paul became friends with Saint Anthony the Great during two days in Paul's 113th year!

Saint Anthony the Great and Saint

Paul of Thebes, the first hermit

Anthony and Paul only spent a day and a half together, and the next time Anthony went to see him, Paul was dead. There is a charming myth that two lions helped Saint Anthony dig Paul's grave.

I would have loved to have heard the conversation between those two holy men. I can only imagine!

There have been times, when considering my hermit life, that I have thought I should give it up because I am "doing it" imperfectly, but except for the rare moment of loneliness, I still feel that this life suits me, even if I am not a saint thereby. It is good for the ego for a person not to be too "successful," especially a religious person, it seems to me.

So I will slog along in my pathetic representation of a religious hermit, do the best I can, and be grateful for it all. When I celebrate my anniversary on February 3rd, I will be suitably humble before God.

The lives of the hermit saints bear little, if any resemblance to my life, but then the life of the typical resident of Thebes at that time looks nothing like the typical American in 2023! In addition to the differences connected with living a modern life, my numerous and growing disabilities also interfere with the aceticism one would usually expect from a hermit, so I do the best I can. The constant chronic pain is my offering and may be a more painful sacrifice to give than the more austere lives of these early saints. We all do the best we can within the conditions that are provided and the parameters of our own abilities.

Don't get me wrong. I have given it a lot of thought and wondered if I "should" give up the idea of the hermit life, but, although my religious practice is not perfect and, in some superficial ways, I appear to be a fairly typical senior lady of my time and place, I have no strong desire to have any other kind of life goal. I kept trying to see myself doing anything other than what I do now, and I just could not rustle up the interest! If I had wanted a more "normal" life, such as the other women I know, I surely would have tried for it long before my 20 year anniversary, don't you think?

Whatever defects remain in my daily practice must be battled and subdued, if possible, but in any case I will not give up the goal of gaining a more perfect union with The Lord through giving myself to Him alone, even if I fail in the attempt.  Please wish me the best and pray for me.

In the meantime, if you are interested in Saint Paul of Thebes, the First Hermit, and his contemporaries, or you are curious about early hermit life and lore, please take a look at the following links:

CATHOLIC.ORG

WIKIPEDIA.ORG - SAINT PAUL

WIKIPEDIA.ORG - SAINT JEROME

WIKIPEDIA.ORG - SAINT ANTHONY THE GREAT

WIKIPEDIA.ORG - SAINT ATHANASIUS

At some point, I believe that, such as with Anthony and Paul,  I would also like to develop a friendship with at lease one other hermit - especially an urban hermit. We have much to share with one another, I think - especially after 20 years of doing this. I also wonder if it would be a good idea to find a regular confessor, especially now that Covid is not as much of a problem as it was - but I suspect that I may wait another year before risking spending too much time outside the hermitage. God will bring what He wants for me.

I hope you will all pray for me, as I pray for you.

God bless and keep you!

Silver Rose

SET THAT ALARM CLOCK, HERMITESS!

Hermit Girl Shakuntala

by

Sudeshna Ghosh

Many devout women who find themselves alone after retirement are enthused to become hermits or informal lay religious persons. You see whispers of them in little-traveled blogs, and some write me. In the midst of the allurements of the modern world, there is still a deep calling of the spirit for this ancient, solitary and silent path. Old age naturally lends itself to it.  In fact, it was common that, at the sunset of their lives, the Hindus would take up the life of what was called 'sannyas," which only later became a state of life that could be embarked upon while still young. I took sannyas vows in my 40's.

If you are not looking to be supported by any religious institution, and if you do not pretend to any official status in the church, it is perfectly fine to embark on a dedicated life, sanctifying everything you do, every hour you breathe, and every joy you experience, to our Lord. You do not need anyone's permission. After all, you are already living alone, in some apartment or a house that has been left to you through some lucky chance or for which you worked when you were young.

There are many opinions about what constitutes a hermit or contemplative, but there are really only a couple requirements. Primarily, of course, one must be single, unmarried and unencumbered with children, otherwise your time does not belong to you alone. Hermits, or "solitaries" or whatever you call them, live alone. They are celibate and, for our purposes on this blog, the purpose for living that life is a spiritual one. There are people for whom the solitary life is a lifestyle or an escape, and it always bothers me when they are lumped in with the spiritual seeker in magazine and newspaper articles.

Modern hermitess, Rachel Denton

(Washington Post November 16, 2015)

Typically, these women are not leaving to walk into the desert or the forest, though some have done so. No. The modern mystic must pray in place, usually, because everything costs dearly these days, especially anything approaching an "inspirational" atmosphere. There are no free houses in the forests or free water in the desert, and few seniors are healthy enough to be too far removed from the medical establishment and the pharmacy, in any case.

It used to be common for the citizens of a village or town to support a local hermit or anchoress, and there were many patrons, in gratitude for their wealth, who would sponsor these virtuous individuals, giving them food and shelter and attending to their other needs, but faith and Christian charity are not what they used to be, and most tycoons of today are too busy erecting gigantic mansions and other testaments to their own importance to give thought to the needs of the humble seeker.

Didi Anuprabha

Even the common folk are contemptuous of the efforts of the contemplative. While searching for photographs to break up the text of this blog post, I was saddened to see a number of hostile comments left on the Washington Post's article about modern hermit Rachel Denton, a former Carmelite who lives as a hermit in a small village in England. The degree of ignorance about and resentment of the life of the spirit is quite high just now. Westerners are living in a period of extreme antipathy to genuine religious sentiment, and the kindness and compassion of Jesus are rarely found. Several of the commenters found fault with Rachel's simple house. They expected her to be living in a dirty shack or a cave in the forest, evidently. I would just say that, not only do we have to make do with what is available for our hermitage, we must also do our best to ignore the bitter rancor of the uninitiated and to pray for their enlightenment.

The article about Rachel can be found HERE

What is most concerning is that faith in the power of intercessory prayer is so weak, that the value of hosting a religious solitary is no longer appreciated, in general. Particularly now, we have entered an age in which the poor are vilified and, despite the blatant and continual "preference for the poor" expressed throughout the old and new testaments, prejudice against them is very intense. This increases the difficulty of the dedicated life, but when the call received in the soul is too strong to be ignored, we must respond and do the best we can to put ourselves at the disposal of our beloved, using modern means to assist us in our efforts.

Saint Ita, the Hermitess of Killeedy

In most cases, you will not take vows, though I did take the vows of a female swami ('sannyasini'), years ago, thanks to the auspices of my Vedanta teacher, Swami Swahananda. I carry these forward through my current religious life. I don't pretend to perfect adherence to all the precepts, but I take care with the traditional values of poverty and chastity which are the externals of a life lived in concert with the Divine.

First of all, as mentioned above, one has to be SINGLE, not a married woman living with husband and children. That would defy the intrinsic nature of the hermit life, which is solitary. Very occasionally, a husband and wife, with no living children, will retreat "into the forest" as did some of the Indian mystics of ancient lore and, though rare, this does happen. Before attempting it, I would recommend gaining the advice of a spiritual director, though. It is almost impossible to obey the dictates of a celibate life when living en famille. Monastic life is already difficult for most people, but there are exceptional sorts who are equally yoked with another who get on famously as a sort of miniature cenobitic monastery, a deux.

But even those of us who are single and free to give all our life to God (since no human has any claim on it) have difficulty, at times, in keeping a schedule because of the press of day-to\-day business. In my case, I am disabled, and it takes forever to get even the simplest things done. Even though my ailments prevent me from adhering to the acetic practices typically enjoined on a swami, they provide their own pains and torments that probably far outweigh the little fasts and uncomfortable sleeping arrangements and what have you. Each of us needs to find our own way, given our own unique circumstances, while ignoring the carping critics.

Swamini Vishwagodavaari Mata

Facebook profile

One advantage of living in community is that there is a framework of time into which one can slip oneself. You don't have to remember that meditation is at noon, nor do you need to keep your eye on the clock, because there are several outside prompts. Simply seeing your other sisters walking to the temple for noon meditation is enough. When I was a nun in the Vedanta convent, I would grab my chaddar (prayer shawl) and follow them. In some institutions, there are lovely bells that chime to announce all the "official" prayer times.

Gradually, over the years, my schedule got lost. There are numberless impediments to a meditative life when one lives in an apartment, for instance, as I do. A house is well beyond my means, but even a freestanding house is not necessarily quiet and tranquil. Friends tell me of having to endure a cacophony of jarring music, fighting neighbors, barking dogs, and the shrieks of rowdy, inebriated party guests at nearby homes.  My residence of the last 14 years has grown increasingly chaotic and boisterous, with many intrusions. Peace and quiet seem to be the dearest attributes of any habitation, and contemplation is often nearly impossible. Even reading can be a challenge, at times. These conditions are not conducive to spiritual life, but we have to try to move through it, using whatever few aids are available in the modern era. The first is ear plugs. The second is a cell phone.

Cloistered Catholic Nun

Where Catholic religious women live alone, together

Using as a model the Hollywood convent schedule from my time with the Vedanta Society of Southern California, I programmed into my phone the following skeleton schedule. [Yes, I have a smart phone. It was given to me and has become another essential tool in the arsenal of the modern hermit.]

Keep in mind that this is a skeleton schedule, meditation periods are an hour, but they can be shorter or longer, practically speaking. It just depends on what is happening that day. If I am in horrible pain, I may spend the whole day in prayer, as I am unable to do much else, physically speaking.

My schedule:

4:00 a.m. Rise
6:00 a.m. meditation
7:00 a.m. breakfast
11:00 a.m. Elevenses (tea & bisquits)
12:00 p.m. prayers & meditation
1.00 p.m. Lunch
3:00 p.m. Divine Mercy Chaplet ( on Fridays and special feast days)
4:00 p.m. Tea
6:00 p.m. prayer & meditation (108 on my prayer rope)
7:00 p.m. dinner
9:00 p.m. bed

Keep in mind that one's entire day is supposed to be conducted in the spirit of prayer, so that even periods of work, the fruits of which are offered to the Lord, become part of the overall meditative endeavor. Mindfulness must be carried through all of it.

Now, there is a lot that I have to squeeze into that schedule, but I don't want an alarm for absolutely everything, so I am writing down the other items and will keep the full list somewhere near my living room altar. I need to apportion my work time between my writing and my painting which, in addition to the housework necessary to maintain myself, constitute what would be recognized as "work" by secular society.

The amount of time you will be able to dedicate to prayer will vary, according to your station in life, but every one of us has SOME portion of time that is free. Just do the best you can, and remember that brother Lawrence used to say that he was as much with the Lord amongst his pots and pans as he would be in the choir stall.

Brother Lawrence

To the other mystics among us, I encourage you not to lose heart. You can partake of the mystical life, even if beset with many duties and barking dogs. I have been living this life since 2003 and have probably made all the mistakes and have had all the setbacks. Feel free to write me for encouragement. In the meantime, try setting the alarm clock and see if that helps you.

God bless us all

Silver Rose

SLEEP WITH THE ANGELS

Bedroom suite

I have a beautiful bedroom suite which is fairly new, but by the time I finished paying for it, I was already having trouble sleeping in it, due to scoliosis and other back issues.

It has been a couple years since I slept in the bed, but it occupies the bedroom, sitting there like a giant toad, eating up all the space I COULD be using for something else. It is a mammoth thing, made of very heavy wood, cherry colored, with a padded faux leather backrest on each side. The foot rest is very handy to hold onto when I am changing my shoes or some such thing,and that is all it is good for, with the exception of hosting boxes of sewing gear and baskets of laundry.

Back pillows, knee pillows, leg pillows - I have tried them all, to no avail. I cannot sleep in the bed.

Dreams are something in my distantly remember past. I do not know the last time I had a sleeping dream, as opposed to a nightmare, but even nightmares elude me, as I have been sleeping in reclining chairs, and I never really go fully "under."

A few years ago, I priced mechanical mattresses - the kind that folds you up so that back and knees can both be elevated, with a mattress made of a special kind of foam. As soon as I lay in it and adjusted the level of lift for back and legs, I felt my whole body relax, and I breathed a sigh of relief. I could tell that sleeping on that bed would be like sleeping on clouds, sleeping with the angels.

THAT bed was $3,000 three years ago. Amazon has one for for about $1,000 right now - but the mattress is only 12 inches, and I can't believe it would accommodate my commodious frame!

The costs of disability are enormous, if you actually address the needs of the body. I used to sleep on a mattress on the floor when I was younger. It didn't phase me. Now,  the idea of going to sleep is stressful. Can you imagine?

Every time I have a need, I start to calculate. If I were to sell the bed and the matching carved end tables, I might be able to buy a little twin bed, and pray that my tall body would find rest on it, but I have no idea to whom I would sell my current set. I cannot have strangers coming to the apartment, etc. etc.

I am disgusted by the body's constant NEED for things, sick and tired of fretting over how I can possibly afford to address its needs! Really, it makes me want to throw my hands up in the air, scream, and throw something.

I think back over my life and wonder, how did I end up like this? It isn't as if I tried to be alone. It is just how things worked out. I started out as a nun in a Hindu convent and then converted to Christianity, but none of the Catholic institutions wanted an ex Hindu nun. It is a bridge too far for them, I suppose, and you really can't blame them. They imagine all sorts of things. Now, I am far too old and too sick to even pretend I might be of any use. I did try to marry, a long time ago, but that wasn't meant to be.

In any case, I have given myself to God, but God is surprisingly UNHELPFUL. You would think He would step up, but he doesn't.

Please pray that He becomes a little more responsive, as I am gradually losing hope, and fear I will lose my mind if I don't get some relief. Just say a quick prayer for me, if you would.

God save us all.
(c) Copyright 2018
Silver Rose Parnell

THE CURRENT SITUATION

Fanciful cottage in the woods

For many years, I envisioned the institution of a contemplative ashram, where retired persons could gather together in a loose spiritual companionship to support one another, creating an environment conducive to prayer and welcoming of like-minded visitors. I had lived in a similar community in California and really loved the life. I wanted to share it with others.

After I became disabled, it became clear that I would not be able to realize this dream. I am financially limited, I am in constant pain, my mobility is impaired, and I am slowly going blind from macular degeneration. Bowing to the will of God, I resolved to live as a consecrated person by myself, at home, and I have done so, to the best of my ability, for the last 14 years.

Apartment living has grown increasingly more incompatible, as it is neither quiet enough nor private enough to live a life dedicated to prayer.   One of my neighbors is behaving in a bizarre fashion. She presses her face into my kitchen window while uttering incantations. One day, she was staring into my apartment while folding her hands in a prayer posture and SINGING something. Sometimes when she sees me, she crosses herself. If I actually open my windows, she can hear the noise from her apartment and comes running out to her patio and jacks up her radio. When I attach my hose to the faucet between our apartments, she sometimes comes flying out of her door and screeches like a witch doctor, several times, crosses herself, then hurries back into her house. Yesterday, I discovered that my patio had been vandalized, with potted plants thrown to the ground. It was her, no doubt, but what can one do? I just hope she doesn't start swinging her giant AXE around. (I saw her bring home a big axe with a long handle one day. The axe head was shiny, and glinted in the sun. Why does one need an AXE in an apartment, I wonder?)

When I walk the back side of the apartment, this pathetic woman bangs on a pile of noise makers until I disappear from her line of sight. Neighbors have reported to me that she has been spreading wild rumors and reporting conversations that we have never had. When she moved in, we had a lovely time together, but the resident gossip-monger told her a pack of lies about me, claimed I had gone to the office to "complain" about this neighbor, and the neighbor just went off the deep end. I begged her to go to the office and let the manager tell her the truth, but she refused. It's a strange situation.

Satan is alive and well, my friends. The more faithful you become to the commandments of the Lord, the more you will be harassed. Liars, thieves, gossipers, alcoholics and crazy people will target you. It has always been thus.

I have realized that what I need is a house, rather than an apartment, otherwise, I am just jumping from the frying pan into the fire. Who is to say that another apartment will be any better than this one? It could easily be worse, since all the affordable housing is in bad neighborhoods.

I know one woman who achieved her dreams of owning a house of retreat by marrying a man with money.  I won't be going that route.

Monastic institutions and the odd mystics scattered here and there used to live on the donations of a grateful people, but our world is overpopulated with scam artists, hackers and thieves, so much so that Americans are suspicious.

Every day in my email there are several letters from Nigeria telling me I have won a lottery and there is money waiting for me, if only I will pay the postage or SOMETHING. Every day through snail mail there are pleas for donations from at least 2 deserving Catholic institutions. Every Sunday, Catholics have to face the outstretched donation basket. Every time you drive in your car, there is at least one raggedy person holding a cardboard sign, asking for money. To whom does one give?

There is a donation button on this blog, but it is rarely used. I did get a nice donation once from someone who then began to direct my life in a flurry of emails. That's the risk you run when you accept donations. Many people feel they are entitled to tell you how to live your life, as if their donation has purchased you. It is much easier and less demeaning to find some commercial endeavor than to accept charity, with all its strings and indignities.

I am going to shift focus to finishing a book and selling it. I have been saying I will do this, on and off, for some time now. It is time to stop procrastinating and just do it. I plan to write a bit less in this blog.

At the same time, I will take up my art projects once more. I have sold sketches and paintings in the past, and will concentrate on religious subjects, for the most part. In addition to this, I have begun making crocheted lace baptismal blankets and hats, as well as chapel veils and shawl for adults. Warm ponchos, scarves and hats made from a very nice wool/acrylic yarn will be produced for the cold months. Having previous experience with jewelry making, I have begun collecting the necessary materials to make unique, high quality rosaries. When I have accumulated enough stock to open an Etsy shop or something similar, I will give it a whirl and see if I can make a little money to supplement my immediate needs.  I will keep you apprised of my progress, now and then, through either this blog or my art blog, Silver Cottage Creations on Blogspot.

I continue to remain available for genealogy projects. See my Silver Cottage Genealogy blog on Blogspot for details about that.

I love the freedom of this blog, and the newsy, intimate feel. Blogs have an immediacy that appeals to the moment of inspiration. It has been hard to tear myself away from it because I enjoy it so much, and I feel some connection with people of like mind, but it takes a surprising number of hours to produce even the shortest blog post, when I factor in all the changes to design elements, the sourcing of factual material, and so on.

Years ago, I wrote for television and made some money doing it. I won't return to that medium, as I loathe the business end of things, but I've been saying for years that I am going to finish at least ONE of the many books I have started, and it appears that now must be the time to do it, before I go blind. I hope I am able to produce something that is commercially viable but also of some redeeming spiritual value, as I've turned out to be a rather serious person, and it makes a difference to me as to whether or not I contribute something worth having in the world.

While I write the book, I will learn, more and more, to pray on my feet, in the noise, in the hostilities, in the midst of constant interruptions. I will try to be more like Brother Lawrence, among his pots and pans in the kitchen, and less like Thomas Merton. I don't have Merton's spiritual and institutional support.

Throughout this process, I intend to continue to listen for the word of the Lord, for His guidance and His presence. I know that He permits or decrees everything that happens. If I am blocked from achieving a vision, it is because it is not HIS vision for me. I will take solace in the knowledge that His will is being accomplished in me. Not my will, but thine, O Lord.

In the meantime, I ask for your prayers. You know you have mine.

God bless us all.

Silver Rose

P.S. Don't hesitate to contact me on Facebook, where I maintain somewhat of a presence. I often post inspiring quotes and beautiful religious art.