DISABILITY ON TOP OF DISABILITY
Thanks to my dog going nuts when he spied another dog on the other side of the fence, my arm was nearly wrenched from its socket, and today I woke up with upper back pain that prevents me from doing almost anything physical, so I have decided to catch up with my diary blog and tell you all what has been happening the last week or two. I hope you have time to sit down for a cup of tea and a chat.
THE LORD DEMONSTRATES WHERE HE WANTS ME TO GO
I thought I was being smart a couple years ago when I spent some birthday money on a "guitalele" which is a large 6-string ukelele that sounds like a guitar with a capo on the 5th fret. This is how I always used to tune my guitars for singing, when I was younger, because my voice is higher than the typical key in which guitars are tuned. I never played with anyone else, so the change in key is not of much import. I figured I could play the guitalele just like I used to play the guitar, and this way, when I lose the rest of my vision, I could keep myself busy with something creative that does not require my eyes. It was intended to be a replacement for my painting.
In addition to the guitar, I had gotten a chord book and a music book of Gregorian Chant (religious music) written specifically for the guitalele.
What I HAD NOT counted on was the return of a wicked case of carpal tunnel that my doctor now says needs me to either give up the new guitalele or have carpal tunnel surgery.
Now, the last time I had surgery at UNM, it was for a growth on the bone of a finger on my left hand, and I woke in the middle of the surgery to find the anesthesiologist reading his telephone instead of watching my vitals!
I looked down at the anesthesiologist who was sitting on a low stool, reading and said, "Hey! Put me back to sleep!" Without a word, he just turned around and moved a switch, at which point I konked out. Considering that experience, I am not keen to have surgeries that are not absolutely essential. I have been spoiled you see, having lived in Southern California and received world class medical and dental care.
So now I am tasked with trying to sell this guitalele, and unlike California, where it has been, in the past, VERY easy to sell musical instruments (or pretty much anything) I am getting NO bites from the sign I placed on the post office carousel in the middle of the apartment.
I used to bemoan the inability to sell anything in this town, whether it is my home-made jewelry to a local shop or my nicely maintained second-hand items at a garage sale or on the internet or at my parish store in the middle of tourist town or WHEREVER. I long ago realized that, ever since giving my life to The Lord, he really did take me at my word and he guides me into doing what He wants me to do by making everything else impossible!
I refuse to grumble. I have learned that God has me especially in hand and that the way he guides me to what he wants me to do is exactly in this fashion: He makes everything else impossible.
This is how dense I am. I cannot figure out God's will for me on my own, so he has to show me.
I will put the guitalele back in the corner with the music stand and will play it sometime further down the road, when the wrist is not so compromised. Or perhaps God has in mind someone to whom he wants me to give this thing. We shall see, I am not going to get mad about spending my birthday gift on something that I can neither use nor sell. I won't berate myself at the WASTE of it all. Instead, I will just move forward.
At this point, The Lord has erected blockades across so many of my paths that I am beginning to get the idea that he wants me to do nothing but pray to Him. It is entirely possible.
THE RULE OF LIFE IS FINALLY IN BLACK AND WHITE
During Lent, I hadn't been writing much, as I had spent most of my time praying, meditating, and working on perfecting my Rule of Life, which I am finally putting to paper, thanks to a timely reminder in one of Father Ripperger's videos about the necessity for it. Threading the needle between the disabilities that often interfere with my schedule, and the great amount of time that is nonetheless available for spiritual practices despite these disabilities, has proven to be somewhat of a challenge. I have to strike a balance between practical leniency on the one hand, and necessary intellectual and spiritual rigor, on the other.
I have been really enjoying dedicating this time to my religious studies and practices, and listening to YouTube homilies and conferences. In addition to the daily "Bible in a Year" and "Catechism in a Year" tutorials that I am using to "brush up" in those two areas, I found some wonderful talks by an extremely erudite and mystically inclined priest by the name of Father Ripperger.
INTRODUCTION TO FATHER CHAD RIPPERGER:
Father Chad Ripperger, Phd.
Catholic Priest, Exorcist, Writer, Philosopher
I am too disabled to travel to consult with them, but somehow having this special priest residing relatively close to my hermitage in New Mexico has made me very happy. Once you listen to some of his talks, perhaps you will understand why.
I particularly enjoy the teachings that he gives about the various levels of mystical prayer and spiritual life in general. Everything he talks about reminds me of the reasons and incentives that I had to become Catholic, so many years ago,when I read the works by and about the Catholic mystics, such as Teresa of Avila, St. John of the Cross, St. Francis de Sales and Jane de Chantal, the Desert Fathers and Mothers, and various Catholic saints.
The breadth of his knowledge is so wide that it is hard to describe the variety of teachings that he is able to give, with apparently very few notes. He has confirmed for me many of my own self-diagnoses, as far as the defects of my spiritual state, but this is the good news because he also freely gives the remedies. His talks on genealogy and the defects that can be passed down in the family as a result of evil interference, such as from the Masons, has been fascinating, particularly since I am descended from saints - until a few generations ago, when Masons married into that family line, and ever since then, our family has been strongly anti-Catholic. We used to be SAINTS, ages ago. Evidently, the Masonic philosophy is terribly evil. My mother, who was cruel to me, was involved in it and was a member of the Rainbow Girls.
Through the study of his talks, I have learned some new prayers, as well as practices that will benefit my spiritual progress, and I have also begun to develop a love for Our Lady of Sorrows, who he describes wonderfully in a YouTube video, which I will link just below this:
FR. RIPPERGER'S TALK ABOUT OUR LADY OF SORROWS - CLICK HERE
I encourage everyone to Google Fr. Ripperger and meander through the topics. Find one that appeals to you, and settle in for a really interesting talk.
Now, I must warn you, however, that I disagree with him on a couple of issues, so I want you to be prepared and hopefully not be put off. I hope you'll ignore any disagreement you might find with him so you can hear what he has to say that IS very valuable and much more important. One of those things that many people will disagree with is his version of politics, because the videos I have seen, so far, appear to confirm that he may have been substantially influenced by far right wing Republicans since he uses the exact wording of some false pseudo-logic, and he misdiagnoses social programs as "socialism" when, in fact, social programs are present in many different types of governments but have no role in defining "socialism." The primary defining feature of "Socialism" is a system in which the government owns "all means of production." In other words, there are no privately owned businesses and manufacturers in a socialist system. We do not have anything resembling that, nor am I aware of any politician who is recommending that we get rid of all privately owned businesses and turn them over to the government! It is just not something that appeals to any of us, that I can tell.
I will just segue into the political for a moment in order to explain further:
CATHOLICS SHOULD FREELY ASSUAGE THE PLIGHT OF THE POOR
I think Fr. Ripperger and also Fr. Mike Shmitz and others of their ilk will say that it is far more desirable that Catholics would be widely and freely charitable so that the needs of the poor would be addressed by the free will of Catholics rather than by the government. Fr. Mike Shmitz even goes so far as to say that using taxpayer funded monies to address the needs of the poor is "evil." I've heard this from him in more than one of his talks. Saying that social programs are "evil" is ridiculous - especially because the reason why we have had to resort to taxpayer funded social programs is because the Church and Christians did NOT take care of the needs of the poor during the MANY years before Social Security, when the poor had need of it! The government finally had to step in. It hasn't even been 100 years that we have had Social Security. ALL of that prior history, the poor were left to their own devices, primarily.
SO - as much as it may be technically correct that Catholics should freely give so that the plight of the poor may be addressed, I would just say that history needs to be given its due. I have yet to hear how Catholics will be made to do this when they have never done it before. Not only THAT, but these days, while the government is not doing enough to remedy the needs of the poor, as evidenced all around us with the homeless and other destitute populations, Catholics today have not remedied the dire need that remains.
In my own personal life, I have a lovely Catholic friend who does everything she can to help me, but she is the only one. One person cannot do it all...and Social Security is simply not enough.
Until the Catholics can say, "look, we have taken up all the slack and we are prepared to do more," it is a bad idea to eliminate the social programs that are keeping many of us alive. It would also be necessary to address some of the root causes of poverty, such as the unethical tax structures that keep the rich getting richer, as well as the artificially reduced wages.
ARE WE BECOMING SOCIALIST?
The far right, in particular, is fond of accusing people of being "socialists" when it is not true. They must have studied what socialism IS. Heck, all you need to do is look it up in a dictionary and it clearly says:
SOCIALISM
"A theory or system of social organization that advocates the
ownership and control of the means of production and
distribution, capital, land, etc. by the community as a whole,
usually through a centralized government."
Far right politicians fling that word "socialism" around in order to try and manipulate the vote. They want to sway public opinion against social programs that are paid for by equitable tax systems, so they call anyone who advocates for fair wages and tax structures as "socialists." This cynical name-calling has become so common that even people who do know better and would be better served to use the correct labels for their beliefs will use "socialism" to mean a government that uses substantial social programs to help its citizens. I am thinking of Bernie Sanders when I say this.
Anyway. I could go on about this, it's just that every time any priest, whether it is Father Ripperger or Fr. Mike Shmitz, opines about social programs by saying that they are "evil" and that it involves using "someone else's money" to pay for social programs, it makes me cringe because it may turn off some people to his primary message. The problem for him, with regard to the cliche that it is "someone else's money" that is being used is that this is simply not true. Here is why:
IT IS NOT "SOMEONE ELSE'S MONEY"
Right wing politicians have managed to keep workers' wages very low over the last 60 years, while outrageously inflating corporate profits and the income of the wealthy, as well as giving them incredible tax breaks, especially on capital gains. Over the last 60 years, they have redistributed the wealth of the USA so that the people who actually do the work do not share in the wealth created by that work. Something like three people now own more wealth than the bottom half of our country combined! Here is how they did it:
In this graph, created with figures obtained from the Department of Labor, we see how the income of the wage earners has barely moved, only increasing 26% between the years 1970 through 2005, but the corporate profits have increased 250% and the CEO salaries have increased 430%! You can practically SEE the money being pushed up the pyramid.
As a result of this redistribution of wealth, the money that should have gone into the pockets of the workers who created the wealth has been put in the pocket of the rich guy at the top of this vile pyramid. Taxing the wealthy guy who took my money that I earned with my work addresses a grave injustice, a real THEFT, but now the GOP politicians and some RepubliCatholics are screaming that, somehow, the politicians on the left are trying to "redistribute wealth" by stealing rich people's money. It's a huge scam.
I am addressing this side issue in some detail because I don't feel comfortable just saying that Fr. Ripperger is spouting some Republican talking points that aren't true without backing up my position with facts.
I dearly wish that he wasn't on board with the far right because that's where the conspiracy theorists and the violent January 6th insurrectionists live. I know that his position on this will be offputting to many who have had to struggle with the unfair tax systems and the artificially suppressed wages that the Republicans have squashed for decades. Unfortunately, priests and other religious are often at least one step removed from normal life, and they have a type of security and support that the wage earners will not have, so that they do not experience the nitty gritty of insecurity in the same way that you and I have done.
I HAVE PERSONAL EXPERIENCE OF THIS
I can contribute anecdotal, subject experience with being a wage earner during all the above years - at least until 2003, and every year it became harder and harder to make enough money to support myself. The inflation went up considerably more than my wages and, while my bosses were buying a SECOND vacation home (their third residence) so that they could go skiing every year during the winter, I was struggling to put food on my table. As a result, when I had to retire in my late 40's because of disability, I had NO savings to bring into retirement and help me. HALF of the American people will be in the same position when they retire - they will have NO savings to supplement their Social Security that we are now told is going to run out of money.
THE REASONS SOCIAL SECURITY IS RUNNING OUT OF MONEY:
Predominantly, the tax structure benefits the wealthy who pay the same tax as someone who earns $150,000 a year. Raising the cap so that the wealthy pay the same percentage of their income into Social Security as the rest of us do would fund Social Security for at LEAST 75 years. If there was NO "cap" on contributions and it was a straight percentage for everyone, we could fund it until the sun burns out.
Secondarily, BOTH parties have "borrowed" from Social Security in years' past and no one ever paid back the money. I find this infuriating because they weren't supposed to be able to take our money like that. When Social Security was first proposed, it was a rule that the government could not use our money for anything else. Gee...wonder what happened to THAT!
SHOULD MEN BE IN CHARGE OF THE WORLD AGAIN?
The other area that some people will find issue with Fr. Ripperger is his strong opinion that men should be in charge of everything, especially families, and that women should just be obedient. He also makes comments about women talking too much - or at least talking too much to the wrong people, i.e., men, because the verbal skills of women are meant for the benefit of the children, whose brains are formed in response to the constant babble of their mother's voices. This is according to him. It looks like he has combined Biblical injunctions against women talking in church with some research projects he may have read that speak to how babies need the speech of their mothers. Since he is a man, it does smack a bit of wishful thinking to me. I am betting he is not fond of listening to women talk or having conversations with them. That's my guess, based upon these things he has said in some of his talks.
On the other hand, I have remarked in years past that SOMEONE has to have the final word in a relationship or the fight never ends and decisions cannot be made on the most important topics.
But a system that gives men these kind of absolute rights over women often results in women being brutalized. Of course, women can be brutalized in an entirely free society. I have experienced this several times.
Then too, If you don't want a man to be in charge over you, one can always choose not to have a husband, but then you are outside of any protective structure at the same time. This is true even now. Being a single woman in our society, especially in the arenas in which families are emphasized, such as the Catholic Church, puts one on the OUTS. If you are also, at the same time, unsuitable for convent life, you are really on your own and, I think, rather vulnerable, especially as you age.
The fact is that we DO live in a patriarchal society. Men have always been more forceful and insistent on getting their way, and women are, for the most part, less interested in dominating. So, it may be just one of those inconvenient facts of life and the natural law. Anyway, those are my conflicting thoughts on that topic. I am just preparing you for his opinion.
Father Ripperger makes the point in one of his talks that the Lord would not have told us to "become perfect" if it was not possible, but it is only possible with the help of God's grace, and His grace descends in response to our progress in estabishing ourseles in virtue.
Our entire purpose in life is to become virtuous, as much as is possible with our efforts and God's grace, and to spend eternity in Heaven with The Lord. The greater our virtues, the closer we will be to Our Lord in that Heavenly realm.
I am learning from him that, in order to combat the many defects that I have, I have to work to obtain the corresponding virtue. For instance, gluttony. I am far too interested in food. It has always been a problem, and now that I am disabled and mostly home bound, it is very difficult to get a handle on it. In order to combat this, though, I must learn how to be better with fasting - the virtue that conquers gluttony - so throughout Lent, I have redoubled my efforts to fast and abstain, despite my age and medical conditions which obviate those obligations. It is because I am not obligated that I feel compelled that I do it.
Before I read all the Catholic mystical literature, I had no idea that Catholicism had such a vast wealth of mystical, transcendent inspiration. Teresa of Avila, St. John of the Cross, and the Desert Fathers and Mothers, among many others, shifted my consciousness. I was in the Hindu convent (Vedanta) at the time, and it was inconvenient when I fell in love with Jesus and His church, especially for the Swami, who had forced the nuns to accept me after more than a year of them putting me off. He grew frustrated with their jealousy. It was unseemly.
But I digress - ONCE AGAIN!
I HAVE tried to get involved in SOME kind of church activity during Lent, but it is nearly impossible. I am having trouble walking, and I am not able to sit in one place for all that long, either, especially on hard wooden seats. It isn't a matter of simple discomfort. I have MORPHINE for that, but it is a matter of being able to rise and walk if I sit too long. That is the issue.
I have been calling my parish since last NOVEMBER, asking for the eucharist to be resumed, post Covid, and after many many phone calls, I finally gave up. But I was wrong to do that. I should never grow tired of seeking it.
Because I cannot walk very far, crowded churches with limited handicap parking spots have no remedy for me. I have tried to find someone who could take me to church, but no one is in the mood to help. Volunteers have either not returned to church or have stopped going altogether. There is also NO parking at my parish church because it is in "Old Town," the tourist center of Albuquerque. They have a tiny piece of a parking lot behind the old church, and it is for the use of the priest and the office staff, for the most part. Occasionally, if I call ahead of time, I can get a permit to park back there, but this means that I have to go to church TWICE - once to pick up the placard and another time to actually USE it because the office is closed on the weekends. When I DID try attending a Saturday afternoon mass, the only one practical for me, due to crowds, it was an extremely long walk from the car to the inside of the church, and I nearly collapsed on the way in. Then, when I left, I had to exit through the front, so as not to inconvenience the folks up at the altar, and it was a very long trip around and around the church and back to the parking lot.
I have no one to take me to church. I just don't know that many people in Albuquerque because I became disabled shortly after moving here. Otherwise, I might be able to get a ride. But, even then, people who tend to be willing to do charitable things like give rides to disabled old ladies often get called upon to do all kinds of things that require them to stay at church after the service is over, whereas I am ready to scream from the pain of sitting for an hour on a hard bench and I am more than ready to go home, once the mass has ended.
A friend and I went to confession, though, during the first week or so of Lent. She drove us to a church halfway across town, and we were lucky to grab an empty parking spot of the 4 that were available. In a very short time, the other three were taken.
Before confession, I mentioned my dilema to the priest, and he told me, "sometimes we don't answer the phone. You have to keep calling." He was right, of course. So, being obedient, when all is said and done, I DID resume the phone calls to my parish, and I kept leaving messages, with no response. Finally, one day, the office actually answered the phone. She said I was "on her list" to call - I'd only been leaving messages for the last 5 months! It turns out that it won't be until sometime after Easter that they will get to me - if it happens at all. The thing is, the parish that is designated my area parish HAS to be the one that brings me the eucharist, according to the rules, which makes sense. But I have heared from workers at other parishes that many people come to them, complaining that our parish just doesn't answer phone calls and they are very disorganized. But they used to have 3 people in the office, and now there is only 1, and she is beside herself with all the work. If only I was healthy, I would have been so happy to help out.
IT'S ALL GOOD
One of the topics that Fr. Ripperger discussed on one of the MANY videos I've listened to on YouTube is the attitude that one has to adopt with regard to negative life circumstances. Many people assume that if you are devoted to the Lord and follow through with the prayers and meditations and whatnot, that He would make things go well for you. Well, that's not the way things work, it turns out. Remember Job, and what an excellent devotee he was, yet the Lord allowed Satan to turn his world upside down. NOTHING went right for that poor man. And everyone was clueless. Even his friends, who should have known what a devout person he was, suggested that he must have committed many sins to warrant such adversities being visited on his head. Folks will sometimes try to blame the person for unearned troubles. It is easier than being sympathetic, I suppose.
From very early childhood, I have been assailed by cruel fortune, which grew worse and worse over time until today, when I am in constant pain. It has been a neverending stream. WHATEVER has been happening to me in this long and cruel life, it is an expression of God's goodness and grace so that I may become as virtuous as possible and will not be out of place near Him in Heaven. I console myself with the knowledge that the lifetime of affliction I have endured is what has been necessary to purify my soul for union with Him, thanks be to God!
I know a person who complains constantly about the amounts they have to pay for the things that go wrong in their life, without thought for the fact that they have all the remedies at their disposal with which to answer whatever need arises. Gratitude is lacking. I take lesson from this. If I am ever relieved of this constant stream of sorrows, I will remember never to complain about spending all the resources I have in order to fix whatever goes wrong, since it is far superior than not having any, and I know this from experience.
In the spiritual realm, God has his reasons for allowing a flood of tribulations with no cease. He is using the pain and the trials to perfect me in some way. After all, Jesus said, "be ye perfect as your Father in heaven is perfect." We can't do it alone, and Jesus would not say it if it was not possible, therefore His plan is at work.
GOD BRINGS GOOD OUT OF BAD
The thing I am making an effort to remember is that God uses all circumstances to bring good into my life, in some way that He is not discussing with me, so each negative circumstance IS an icon of the Good God. I have therefore started thanking God throughout the day for each pain and privation, rather than praying for Him to alleviate them. Wheneer some pain hits me, I just say, "thank you," now, as if I have already received and/or recognized the good that He is bringing to me from these pains. It's a good thing I live alone because otherwise I'd have some explaining to do, next time I say, as I crip around my apartment on my arthritic bones, "Ouch! Thank you, Lord!"
Bless us all!
Silver Rose
