"Rejoice with them that rejoice;
weep with them that weep."
Romans 12:15
I have many happy days in my retirement, despite painful disabilities, and if you ask me, "how are you?" on any given day, I will usually say that I am "great" or something similar, but there are days, like this one, when I wake up to excruciating pain and can barely walk, but walk I must. Anyone who lives in an apartment with a dog knows what I am talking about. We are in service to the animals - especially first thing in the morning when they just have to get outside to accomplish their ablutions.
So, there I am, with little doggy bag in hand, and a neighbor asks me how I am and I tell him that today I woke in horrible pain - that the change in weather got to my bones.
Instead of expressing sympathy, the guy completely ignored what I had said and started talking about what a great day he was having.
I have seen various iterations of this type of thing. The men tend to ignore the comment about pain and will pretend they haven't heard it. Or perhaps they DON'T hear it. I am not quite sure about that. The women, especially if the conversation is on Facebook, will usually give some unsolicited advice, laden with criticism for daring to "complain" about pain. (I often say that THIS is why men are in charge of the world. Women are too busy criticizing one another and flapping their lips around rumors and gossip.)
Sometimes, I am gifted with some cosmic poo poo armchair philosophy that demands that I not mention the pain when asked, but that I should be "grateful" instead, and I should "count my blessings." This is a nasty thing to do to someone. What it communicates is a negative assessment of one's character.
I have my own unsolicited advice for these people. If you do not care about the well-being of the person, don't ask. If you DO care, and you hear that the person is in agony of pain, then be sympathetic.
First of all, sympathy is healing and peace-inducing. Read the chapter of the quote above and consider why Saint Paul recommends it. I would also like to point out that sympathy is free. It doesn't cost you anything to be sympathetic to the sufferings of others, so why not be sympathetic?
If your reaction to someone else's expression of pain or unhappiness is irritation, what does that say about YOU? Perhaps you think your precious time is being wasted, or perhaps you do not know what to say. In that case, let me tell you. Use some version of this:
"I am so sorry to hear that! I hope it gets better soon."
Put some warmth in your voice and add a smile, if you can manage it and if you haven't given out your daily allotment of smiles.
I find it odd that I have to write a blog post like this one. It seems a no-brainer to me. I try to always be sympathetic and, if I am close to the person, I might ask if there is anything I can do to help alleviate whatever the complaint happens to be. I don't consider it my right to "train" the person in the art of pretending there is nothing wrong. It is not healthy to make other people erect a false front of blissful, uncomplaining perfection because it is a big fat lie.
Life is messy and sometimes painful. For those of us with chronic illnesses and disabilities, it is QUITE painful at times. Pretending otherwise is a waste of time. Now, if you want to pretend that your life is perfect and if you have a personal philosophy that requires you to never admit to a pain or difficulty, that's your business. Go ahead! Pretend the day away, but don't burden the rest of the world with your criteria.
To be fair, I have to visit the other side of this troubling coin, and that is the fact that there are people in the world who do nothing BUT complain. I had a person like this in my life for some time. The woman complained to me constantly, despite the fact that her life is much more advantaged than mine. She's been married to the same man her whole adult life. They have a bunch of great children. They own a large home in a really good part of town. Her husband makes good money, and they frequently travel overseas on vacation.
This woman did nothing but complain about her blessings. Example: She would complain that a specially formulated medicine cost $500.00. She had the money to pay for it. She was complaining that it was expensive. Or was she bragging? I was never sure. The fact that she was complaining about spending $500.00 on medicine to a woman who goes WITHOUT many things she needs felt like abuse to me.
There is no reason to entertain people like this - people who complain about their blessings. That is a different kind of pretense entirely. After trying to get this person to understand that she was punching down on me by complaining about her blessings to someone who had so much less than she, I finally had to stop talking to her on the phone. She didn't try to draw me back in or to modulate her inconsiderate behavior. She just stepped up her litany of complaints to other people.
Even THIS person got my sympathy when she wasn't complaining about her advantages.
My bottom line is that, unless you're dealing with a person who complains about her good fortune, please just try to be a little sympathetic.
Silver Rose
(Sannyasini Kaliprana)
Silver Cottage Ashram Hermitage
Albuquerque, New Mexico
Copyright © 2019
All rights reserved.
Dear Sister,
ReplyDeleteSo well spoken, the weather makes it so bad for R.A. i am so grateful it is just in my fingers/hands and perhaps my toes. Rarely do people know about the tiredness, ache, sharp pain, etc. People here are better, but I have learned to be careful with some who ask, as stated in blog, but do not mean it in reality, they fear pain and death and cannot feel true compassion, the tears i've seen in my family and friends eyes since the loss of my beloved, and my poverty, have drawn me to your blog like a moth to a flame; the Holy SPirit inspires you to put the right art/images and I always read the intro. as part of my devotion. Words cannot express my thanksgiving.
continue to have a blessed Lent,
iris
All of us who are suffering with various illnesses need to stick together and provide support and encouragement to one another. People who judge us by how we look can't really know the feeling of bone on bone throughout the body! You know, you may THINK it is only in your hands and fingers...but when the doctors do the x-rays and tell you there is "severe" damage in your knees and other joints, you'll realize that the 'low' feeling you may have at times is linked to pain in all those joints. I pray for you, my friend!
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