TOMORROW IS THE FEAST OF THE IMMACULATE CONCEPTION

Mary, the Immaculate Conception

The feast of the Immaculate Conception is a solemnity in the Catholic Church and a Holy Day of Obligation, which means you have to go, barring illness or seniority. I am physically unable to sit through mass, so I hope that those of you who are ABLE to attend will do so and take me with you in your prayers.

Today a friend of mine succumbed (once again) to the blandishments of a scam artist who called, out of the blue, offered to give her a big loan to pay off all her credit cards, and under the pretense of needing information to see if she qualified, asked her for all her credit card numbers and critical info.

Thanks be to God, I had been mysteriously drawn to drop by while walking my dog, shortly after she'd had this phone call, and I was able to get her to call her credit card companies and report it so that the scam artist couldn't make any charges. I was so upset by this additional reminder that my friend is disappearing - collapsing into a mind that no longer supports her - that I managed to snap at her angrily.

Later, I reflected on my snappishness, and it occurred to me that I used to be nicer. What happened? I had somehow become a very pale version of my father, a horrifying angry man who flew into a fury at the slightest mistake on my behalf. I remember once, coming into the house after a late night and turning on a light so I could see my way from the living room to my bedroom, and how he came tearing out of his bedroom, murder in his eyes, screaming at the top of lungs about how selfish I was for turning on a light and waking him up.

He was not the kind of dad that was concerned that his daughter might trip over something in the living room so that he left a light on for her while she was out to dinner with friends. No. Though a millionaire, he was stringently thrifty and was more concerned about the electric bill than any pesky broken bones of mine.

Our parents form a certain part of our psyche certainly, but there is also an accumulation of  other violences endured.  I can trace the time my personality started to change when I was conned by a family member in a (successful) effort to dispossess me of my inheritance from said father of the murderous rage.

Failing to thoroughly forgive those that hurt us, especially those persons who knowingly and deliberately damage us in an evil way, is a sure method of twisting our personalities. Jesus was a brilliant psychologist.

I was really bothered that my first instinct was anger and irritation when my friend had, once again, handed over all her personal and financial information to a stranger. I know there is something wrong with this woman - Alzheimer's or medication issues or what have you - but even at this late stage of life, when I have spent scores of years practicing compassion, kindness and patience, I fell back into being my father's ghostly image. It doesn't matter that, whatever disintegrating process is wreaking havoc on her brain also causes her to be consistently nasty to me most of the time these days. She probably cannot help herself.

I sat down to pray Vespers from the Little Office of the Blessed Virgin Mary. I have a wooden lap desk where I store my prayer books and rosaries, and it makes me happy and peaceful just to open it up and handle my holy things. My prayers weren't all that uplifting today, but I felt a wonderful peace in just meditating for 15 minutes or so. I resolved to be more regular with my prayer schedule and especially with my prayers of forgiveness.

A few years ago, In a small lined notebook, I started a "forgiveness journal," writing down the names of people I need to forgive and a brief description of WHY. Forgiveness, in general, is not hard for me to do. I love to forgive people, especially those who ASK for it.  People who commit evil because it suits them to benefit themselves at someone else's expense and have no apparent remorse - those are the hard ones, aren't they? I have been the target of several of these sort of people, so forgiveness has become somewhat of a vocation for me.

There are people, who I suppose are sociopaths, who commit evil because they love to hurt people. I have one of those dangerous people in my family. I must forgive them, but it isn't enough to forgive once because the resentment and hurt come back like persistent mosquitoes. I have to do it every day.

Some time spent in meditation helped me arrive at a point of peace, as it usually does, and I resolved to be more regular with my prayer schedule. I listened to some recordings of other monastics reciting the Little Office and chanting the Latin prayers and was lifted up even more. There is so much beauty in the spiritual life!

Tomorrow is another day to start fresh.

Don't forget church tomorrow.

Silver Rose