Last night a church lady called me and, per usual, she unleashed a torrent of complaints about her life. She was upset about all the money she has to spend on everything she needs to address her illnesses. She has grievances about the inconvenient and expensive travel she has to undertake to care for relatives. She cataloged what each annoying expense has cost her and ranted on and on about how the insurance company will not pay for specially compounded medicines, so she has to pay for them out of pocket. She listed the cost of each. She whined about the stupidity of her husband who had never bothered to learn first aid procedures. She expressed frustration with the son who interrupted our call to get further instructions about the market run upon which she has sent him.
When I remind her that I did not have the money or physical ability to travel to see my son when he was dying several years ago, the point is lost on her.
She resumed her litany of grumblings, speaking in an unbroken stream of discontent. She was whining about her blessings, as she does every time she calls me, and it felt like abuse on my end, and clueless ingratitude on hers.
When I could stand it no more, I forcefully stopped her again. I reminded her that she was talking to someone who doesn't have the wherewithal to make any of the expenditures about which she was complaining. She barked in a nasty way that there are people worse off than me, then, incredibly, continued to regurgitate her bile into my ear.
Initially, I was stunned by her nasty comment. I wanted to tell her that at least I had the good sense not to complain to those people in Appalachia or Nigeria who are less fortunate than me, but I was thrown off for a moment by the insensitivity of her attitude, and by the time I recovered my composure, she had already resumed vomiting out the contents of her mind.
I set down the phone and walked around the room while she blabbed unendingly. I didn't want to hang up on her, and she was not going to let me speak. I started to weave a kumihimo braid for a crochet project while she continued to gripe.
"Why not hang up on her?" you may well ask. I thought about that myself. Firstly, I have met several people through her - people I like - and I wouldn't want to cause uneasiness that would result in my losing all those friendships because of the awkwardness of a break between her and me. Secondly, although she has been clumsy in her attempts at charity toward me, foisting things on me without checking to see if I even need them, I am grateful for the inclination. A great number of Americans care nothing for their fellow man, even Christians who ought to know better. She deserves credit for being better than most. Lastly, I recognize that the woman has something wrong with her. I am not the only person subjected to this bizarre behavior pattern of hers. It isn't about me.
Even so, it is very likely that we won't have much to do with one another after our last exchange. She does not tolerate disagreement with her world view or criticism of herself. She holds you in that vise-like grip of spew and criticizes you if you dare to struggle. I had said what none of our other friends will tell her - that she complains incessantly about her blessings. During a previous phone conversation, I had also challenged some nutty idea she was parroting out of the hard right playbook - something critical of the poor. It was a bit of prejudice, tinged with a lie, and topped off by an anecdotal story that proved nothing. Anyone who knows me knows that I hate that kind of thing. The poor have enough problems without people inventing despicable stories about them.
In closing, I will tell you what that dear lady will not allow anyone to tell her:
If the person to whom you are speaking doesn't have the money to pay for the equipment to lessen the effects of her disabilities, do not bitch about the exact amounts you have had to spend to pay for yours. You have the money to alleviate your suffering, and she does not. She isn't going to care how much you resent having to spend it. The fact that you have it at all is your good fortune.
If the person to whom you are speaking has not been lucky in love and has no husband, don't complain that your husband of 30 years isn't attentive enough to your needs and doesn't salute you when you need him to do it.
If the person to whom you are speaking has lost their child to an untimely death, don't complain that yours doesn't service your needs well enough. At least yours is alive.
If the person to whom you are speaking comes from a horrible family or no family or has lost all their family, don't drone on and on about how tedious it is to have to go visit your aged parents or in-laws who have been a constant presence in your life.
If the person to whom you are speaking is in a lower socio-economic bracket than you are, don't complain about what you spent for things that she cannot afford to buy to begin with.
Finally, if you must vent and grumble about your lot in life, complain to someone in the same or better situation than you.
God bless us all
Silver Rose
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