I know, as I write this, that my friends are going to give me a hard time for taking the dog out late at night for his doggy business, but I inadvertently took a super long nap this afternoon and evening, and the dog had not been out for a really long time. At 2:00 a.m., when I awoke, the pooch was doing the pee pee dance.
Sure enough, as soon as I snuck back toward my apartment from a quick trip to the back yard, I was approached by the same guy that I posted about on Sunday (see previous post!)
I raised my heavy wooden walking stick and raised it, yelling, "I don't know you! Get away from me."
Just like Sunday, he circled around and back, swearing at me, then he disappeared into an adjoining hallway of the apartment complex, which clued me into my suspicion that he had taken up residence in one of the building. Earlier this week, my neighbor told me that some of the homeless have been sleeping on the upper floors, surprising neighbors when they came home late or left for work in the morning.
His walk toward me, into the hallway, had been purposeful, and I think he had probably been heading back to the electrical outlet, not realizing that our maintenance man had plated over it this week.
Ironically, the little dog I got as a service dog and watch dog didn't even bark ONCE while I was yelling at the Intruder. Boo Boo just stood there. Some watch dog. As I explained to everyone before getting a service dog, my doctor felt I needed to get a large dog, for safety's sake and to help me get off the floor when I fall. Also, if the dog has to go outside at a weird time of day or night, or if there is someone unsavory waiting for me in the hallway, a large dog would be intimidating. I couldn't afford to buy one myself, no one was giving away hypoallergenic large dogs, and I was unable to raise enough money to purchase one. My little dog will bark if someone knocks on my door, and that is helpful. Plus, he's the cutest, most loving little dog in the world. There's that! He is a permanent part of the household, but I will need to add a large dog as a seeing eye dog in the years to come.
When I became disabled about 14 years ago, I looked upon it as a blessing from God. Although I was not able to hold down a regular job, I imagined I could lead a quiet life of prayer and meditation, devoted to the Lord, something I had wanted to do since leaving the Hindu convent to become Catholic in my late 30's.
My health and finances became worse and worse, however, and I have not been able to find a quiet place to lay my head. When I first moved into this low-income apartment complex, I was charmed by it, and had high hopes, but the management has gradually stripped away all the trees and greenery, while the number of noisy maintenance projects has increased. It got into a fight with the Mid Rio Grande Conservancy District, which then ripped out all the old trees that flanked the back side of the apartment complex that had helped to shelter us from wind and wanderers. This property is wide open to intruders, extremely noisy, and stuck in an isolated, crime ridden, unsafe area. It is a grave comment on the lack of compassion that Americans have, in general, about the poor and especially the disabled poor. Vulnerable populations need to live in safer, more protective environments, not neighborhoods where there are more criminals.
My doctor tells me I have developed a heart murmur, which doesn't surprise me, considering the stress I've been under. He is sending me for an EKG and an ultrasound of my heart in the near future. I'm waiting for a call from the hospital clinic. At the same time, I've been referred for genetic testing to pin down my illness and get a diagnosis. We think it may be Ehlers-Danlos, but we are not sure.
All of this seems like a great distraction to my deep desire for union with the Lord, but the words of the Hindu swami keep coming back to me. He would say, "Your whole life is your spiritual life." These words echo the sentiments of many Catholic saints and have given me solace, as well as a guide to handling this chaotic life that is the opposite of what I'd hoped for.
As much as possible, I pray always. All my actions are dedicated to the Lord, and I keep a running dialog with Him, Our Blessed Mother, the saints and the angels. I may have pictured myself sitting serenely on my recliner in front of my shrine, chanting the Little Office of the Blessed Virgin Mary, various rosaries, special prayers and chaplets, but the reality is something else entirely. Simple care of the body and the house require much more time and effort than an ordinary person. My schedule is not my own and cannot be geared to the typical monastic routine, because of the nurses and caretakers that are coming to care for me, the maintenance crew that seems to have an unending "to do" list, the needs of the dog and his frequent walkies, and my doctor appointments.
Accepting the will of God is essential, so I have traded in the dreams of what I'd hoped my monastic life would look like, with the reality of what it must be.
In order to obtain needed medical equipment and supplies while finding an affordable house that accommodates my physical needs, I will make an effort to create more income, with my writing, religious paintings and crocheted lace projects. Fund raising will also be necessary, as my income producing abilities are very limited.
The details of the equipment needed and the donation options will be dealt with in my next blog post. As usual, the donation button on the upper right hand side of the column to the right is still working!
What I do not need is advice. If you are not able to help financially, please just pray for a happy outcome, a new residence that suits me, and the cure of my many illnesses (if God so wills it.)
In the meantime, God bless you!
Silver Rose
No comments:
Post a Comment